Jokes Pleez!
Forums โบ General Discussion โบ Jokes Pleez!-
Thay alwas wrrk. I need to heal. Give me yur best.
๐an fuck it im sayin it, WIZZOO!๐
Sara -
Dorothy from Wizard of Oz:
99 problems but a witch ain't oneThis is my new fav thread. Im going to be all over this one
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Rabbits hop and live 8 years. Dogs run and live 15 years. Turtles do nothing and they live 150 years.
Morale of this story: DON'T EXERCISE -
How to catch polar bears:
Polar bears loves peas, and live in the artic. First you cut a hole in the ice near a lake, then you open the can of peas. Take the peas and spread them around the hole in the ice you just made. Then when the polar bear comes to take a pea, you kick him right in the ice hole. ๐ -
A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.
Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left nipple.
The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.
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At any given time, the urge to sing 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight' is just a whim away. A whim away, A whim away, A whim away.
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YAY!!!
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A man came home from work one day and his wife asked him to fix the toilet. He said, " what do I look like, a plumber?" And never fixed it.
The man came home the next day and his wife asked him to fix the sink, and he said, "what do I look like, a sink specialist?" And never fixed it.
The man came home the next day and his wife told him she'd hired someone to fix the toilet, and someone to fix the sink. The man asked his wife how much it cost and she said,"I either had to bake them a cake or have sex with them." He asked her, "what kind of cake did you bake them?" The wife said," Who do I look like, Betty Crocker?"
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Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetary. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1,826 bodies so far but expect that number to climb as digging continues.
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A man takes early retirement and leaves the big city for a cottage in the Scottish highlands. After a month of isolation he hears a knock on the door. He answers it and sees a huge Scottish farmer standing outside."I hear you're new around here", says the farmer.
"Yes,I am", replies the man.
"I thought I'd introduce myself and ask you to a party", says the farmer.
"That's great,I'd love to come", says the man.
"I'd better warn you there'll be lots o' drinking", says the farmer.
"I don't mind in fact I like a drink",replies the man.
"And nae doubt there'll be a few fights", says the farmer.
"That's okay,I can take care of myself", answers the man.
"And things get a bit frisky in the wee hours", says the farmer,lewdly adding," lots of sex".
"That's fine by me", says the man adding " I haven't had female company in a long time".
"Och,there'll be no lassies,says the farmer. "It'll just be the two of us". -
Charlie Seiga wrote:
I see what you did there!At any given time, the urge to sing 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight' is just a whim away. A whim away, A whim away, A whim away.
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Guys thees ar awsom, thanks so mcch! I was reely bad 2 days ago an lafftr is th best medisin. Im sharing thees!๐๐๐
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๐baaaaaahahahahahahahahahaahahahahaha๐
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vishbume wrote:
Only way ths coda ben bettr is if it was polish๐๐๐๐๐๐Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetary. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1,826 bodies so far but expect that number to climb as digging continues.
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This man worked at a construction site where he would work long hours. His wife knew her husband always had a ruff time at work so she decided to do something special for him. One night while the husband came home from a long day off work, he noticed that his wife had a post note on the front of the door that read " come inside and go to bed, xoxo wife". The husband got excited and ran to the bedroom. The next day he was refreshed, got up and went to work. While at work he gets a call from his wife, and she says " you forgot to take down the note on the front door, and the UPS guy is here" The husband replied "we'll .... What can brown do for you !
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Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex and then birth control. The first woman says "We're Catholic so we can't use it."
The next woman says "I am too but we use the rhythm method."
The third woman says "We use the bucket and saucer method."
"What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?", the others ask.
"Well, I'm five foot eleven... and my husband is five foot two. We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and when his eyes get big as saucers I kick the bucket out from under him.
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A New Zealander walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says, "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies:
"I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."
The man says, "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."
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One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.
"Hello," he starts, "Iโm doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?"
"Yes. My husband and I use it during sex," she answers.
The researcher is taken aback. "Um, er, I admire you for your honesty," he continues. "Can you tell me exactly how you use it?"
"Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids canโt get in."
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Simba everything the light touches is our kingdom
What about that shadowy place
Simba what the F*** did I just say
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Yesterday evening, I had to change a lightbulb. A bit later on, I crossed the road and walked into a bar.I realised my life was a big joke.
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I remember my teacher telling me that looking out of the window wouldn't get me anywhere.
Did I have a smug look on my face later on in life when I handed him his burger and fries at the drive through.
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There were two old men sitting on a park bench passing the day away talking. One old man asked the other "How is your wife??"
Second old man replied "I think she is Dead!"
First old man "What do you mean you THINK she is dead???"
Second old man "Well.... the sex is the same but the dishes are starting to pile up."
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How many mexicans does it take to build aโฆ oh shit, they're done
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One day, Little Susie got her monthly bleeding for the first time in her life.
Not quite certain what was happening, and somewhat frightened, she decided to tell Little Johnny. Little Susie dropped her panties and showed Little Johnny what was happening.
Little Johnny's eyes opened wide in amazement. "You know," he said, "I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone has ripped your balls off!"
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Fact of Life:After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F
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Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room. Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
Daisy asked, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom they could not have sex. "Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
"Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your bill?"
"No!" Donald yelled. "What kind of a pervert do you think I am?"
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Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on
two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees. The appointed hour
comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m. Cinderella
shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"
"I can't remember, exactly... Peter Peter, something or other...." -
I've been married so long my wife & I only have sex doggie style. I sit up & beg & she rolls over & plays dead.
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Thor, the Viking God of Thunder, and his pal Odin were up in Valhalla, when suddenly Thor said to Odin, "It's been a long time now. I really need to have sex."
Odin stood and pondered for a while, before replying, "Go to Earth, O Thor, and find thyself what they call a 'lady of joy' and treat her to your manly pleasures."
And this Thor did. The next day, he came back up to see Odin, and told him of the previous night's events. "My friend," he said, grinning from ear to ear, "It was wonderful. We had passionate sex 37 times.."
"37 times!" exclaimed Odin. "That poor woman! Mere mortals cannot endure such treatment. You must go and apologize this instant!"
So Thor went back down to earth and found the aforementioned prostitute, saying. "I'm sorry about last night, but you see, I'm Thor..."
"You're Thor?" shouted the girl. "You're Thor? What about me? I'm tho thor I can't thpeak and can hardly pith!"
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OMG she is still alive. I thought she was dead. Guess who's back.!!!
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On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.
Screaming, she stands up in front of the plane. "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"
For a moment, there is silence, then a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:
"Iron this."
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