Jokes Pleez!
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Scientist have discovered the only food known to decrease a woman's sex drive. Wedding cake.
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DAY-UM! 😂 yeh im sensin a pattern too! Lmao
Keep th jokes comin guys! Needed and apreshated! -
My wife was furious when she came home and caught our dog licking a walnut whip off my cock."You bastard!" she screamed at me.
"You know he's not allowed chocolate!"
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I tried to change my password to Twilight.
But there was an error saying it contained too many useless characters!
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🔰ℬཞüęℵǿཞ🔰 wrote:
No been happy married for 10 years...... Then the wife found out about my mistress ..... 😱^Something tells me you don't like the idea of marriage
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Chuck Norris was hit by a truck. 2 years later, the driver has recovered enough to come home.
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My parents wwer hapily marryd fr 19 yrs. thn we finly fownd dad and dryd him owt in detox. True story.
May th Chuck Norris Feest Begin!
Chuck Norris does not wear a condom cause there is no such thing as protection against Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His own heart isn't foolish enough to attack him.
Chuck Norris can light ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
They once made Chuck Norris toilet paper but it wouldnt take no shit off anybody.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
When the boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks his under his bed for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris has destroyed the Periodic Table cause he only acknowledges the element of surprise.
China:we have nukes
USA:we have Chuck Norris
China:no need to get crazy, bro....
(or any country you want, to be politicly fair, blah blah blah) -
You know how some kids wear Superman pajamas? Well, Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
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Chuck Norris was bit by a poisonous snake, and after hours of long, agonizing pain, the snake finally died.
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Havoc didnt reset, Chuck Norris capped him of f earth in a second
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There was a street named Chuck Norris; but they had to change it cuz you can't cross Chuck Norris and live.
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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife:
“Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.” If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”
To which his wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!” -
When I was driving to work I saw a Romney/Ryan campaign sign and I thought to myself "it's over 2 weeks past the election; the owner probably killed himself."
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Two Irishman walk out of a bar...
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A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car." The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.
"The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible, that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."
(You're going to love the Dad's reply!)
"Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"
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Bubba dies in a fire and his body is pretty badly burned. The morgue sends for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, to identify the body.
Daryl arrives first, and when the mortician pulls back the sheet, Daryl says, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."
The mortician rolls him over, and Daryl says, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thinks this is strange. Then he brings Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer takes a look at the face and says, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."
The mortician rolls him over and Gomer says, "No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asks, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two a**holes."
"What? He had two a**holes?!" exclaims the mortician.
"Yup, every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two a**holes.'"
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This is more of a one liner joke.
If your birthday is in the Mid-November area your parents had a really good valentines day 😏
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Bill Gates goes to purgatory.
St. Peter says, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".
First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds.
Bill chooses Hell.
About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons.
Bill says to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?"
St. Peter replies, "That was just the screen saver."
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Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
McDonalds Condom: One Billion Served.
Energizer Condom: It keeps going and going and going...
Bandai Condoms: Action Satisfaction. -
What do President Bush and President Clinton have in common?
They both let Dick do the thinking. -
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An executive had to get rid of one member of his staff. He couldn't decide between Mary and Jack: both had equal seniority and qualifications. Unable to choose, he finally decided that whoever used the water fountain first would be let go.The next morning, Mary came with a hangover. She went to the water fountain so she could take some aspirin.
The executive approached her: "Mary, this is difficult, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Mary replied, "Then you'll have to jack off. I have a hell of a headache."
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