Jokes Pleez!
Forums βΊ General Discussion βΊ Jokes Pleez!-
Me and my friends have started up a band called 1023MB,
but we're yet to do a gig..
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Jesus can walk on water,
Chuck Norris can swim through land... -
I was once a great warrior like you...
then i took an arrow in the knee. -
Hahahah I have only read the first 10 jokes and I must say they are bloody hilarious! I will be in this thread everyday!
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"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."
"I dedicate this show to my dad who was a roofer. So dad, if you're up there...."
"I quit my job at the helium gas factory. I didn't like being spoken to in that voice."
"I wrote a book about a transsexual with a speech impediment. It's called Man or Myth."
"I want to donate a large amount of money to a rape clinic and I won't take no for an answer."
"There are two types of people I hate .... racists and Norwegians."
"Receiving oral sex from an ugly person is like rock climbing; you should never look down."
"Standing in the park, I was wondering why a frisbee looks larger the closer it gets...then it hit me"
"I went to a Karaoke Bar last night that didn't play any 70s music, at first I was afriad, oh I was petrified"
"My dad has a wierd hobby he collects empty bottles, which sounds so much better than alcoholic"
"My girlfriend say's that I'm afraid of committment....well she's not my girlfriend...more a wife"
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I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays.
He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library'. I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'
And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
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I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said [butchly] 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said [campily] 'Make your mind up.'
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.
I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin"
Still, at least it's comfortable on Eurostar, it's murder on the Orient Express...
I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'
So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"
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Add DEZ wrote:
π³π¨It was my six-year-old sons birthday yesterday so I decided to take 4 of his friends to McDonald's and then bowling.
They had a great time, he would've loved it.
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Me: I always talk to my self.
Me: Oh my god, so do I!
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Awsomtastc jokes peeps! WIZZOO to all!
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Remembrance day is just like my sex life with the wife.
Two minutes of uncomfortable silence.
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My girlfriend said "Will you love me when I'm old and fat and ugly?"
"Of course I do!" I replied
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Keep them coming mr sadsam... I asked you before in previous joke threads, as to where you get them from... But you haven't let on yet! Lol
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What do you do if you come across a tiger in the Jungle?
Wipe it off and apologise.
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Add DEZ wrote:
π³π³π³π³ππWhat do you do if you come across a tiger in the Jungle?
Wipe it off and apologise.
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See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol(TM).
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The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.
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I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I had to stop masturbating.
When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!" -
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance.
Smart man + dumb woman = affair.
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage.OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion.
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtimeSHOPPING MATH
A man will pay Β£2 for a Β£1 item he needs.
A woman will pay Β£1 for a Β£2 item that she doesn't need.GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man. -
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.MEMORY
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.APPEARANCE
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed, or so they think.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night, or so they think.PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.DISCUSSION ANALYSIS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. -
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".
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My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex.
Not the best advice Iβd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying: "Can I have a new bike?" He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike -
There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me : "Oh donβt worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Okay, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys? And second, if itβs happening to more than one of us donβt you think it could be your fault?
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I remember the last thing my nan said to me before she died. βWhat are you doing here with that hammer?β
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βΦ Ι΄ΥͺΗ« wrote:
That was painfully unfunnyIf McDonald was the official sponsor of the olympics, then Cigarettes are the official sponsor of cancer
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Des jokes come from Sickipedia.org a great site with thousands of jokes. Take a peek at those by Baldlice funniest guy ever.
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Hardest job in the world:
Working at a bubble wrap factory. Think of how much self-control it requires!!!!!
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A man walks into a pub in Scotland. An old man looked up from his beer and said, "I built this bar, lad, but do they call me Hamish the Carpenter? No. I built the shed out back, too. Do they call me Hamish the Builder? No. I built the fence, as well. Do they call me Hamish the Fencemaker? No. But you fuck one goat, lad..."
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Eric. wrote:
I thot thats wat heven looks likeA, bubbl rap and margritas!!!!Hardest job in the world:
Working at a bubble wrap factory. Think of how much self-control it requires!!!!!
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I thnk i got a wrrthy one......
"CALLING IN SICK
We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
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