Jokes Pleez!
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#2 of 4
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."
"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"
"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"
There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly.
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
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3 of 4
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience.I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.The impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and paramedics stood over me. -
4 of 4
Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter...and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was. "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew!
Why is it that only the women laugh at this? "
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH -
I man bought a fast sports car one day. Upon leaving the dealership he stepped on the gas and the car took off! 90mph then 100mph then 120mph! A police officer pulled him over and told him, "give me an excuse I've never heard and I'll let you go." Without hesitation the man said, "a few years ago my wife ran off with a police officer. I thought you were bringing her back!"
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Guy is sitting down at a bar, having a whiskey, when two very overweight women sit down next to him. He overhears them and they're talking in an accent that he just can't make out.
"Excuse me, ladies, are you from Ireland?" he asks.
One of them looms at him sternly and curtly says "It's Wales.".
He responds, "I'm sorry. Excuse me, whales, are you from Ireland?"
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🌾ᏦᎻᎪᏞ🌾 wrote:
Baaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahaha lov it.Guy is sitting down at a bar, having a whiskey, when two very overweight women sit down next to him. He overhears them and they're talking in an accent that he just can't make out.
"Excuse me, ladies, are you from Ireland?" he asks.
One of them looms at him sternly and curtly says "It's Wales.".
He responds, "I'm sorry. Excuse me, whales, are you from Ireland?"
Needed it -
TheReaper💀🌹 wrote:
AaaaaaahahahahahahaahhaahahahaI man bought a fast sports car one day. Upon leaving the dealership he stepped on the gas and the car took off! 90mph then 100mph then 120mph! A police officer pulled him over and told him, "give me an excuse I've never heard and I'll let you go." Without hesitation the man said, "a few years ago my wife ran off with a police officer. I thought you were bringing her back!"
Ow, head hrrt
Thank yu tho! :) -
You're about to read a joke from a guy named 4nick8r, so I hope you aren't expecting classy.
What's the difference between jelly & jam?
I can't jelly my di€k in your a$$.
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Having friends is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth inside.
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Why did Susie fall off the swing?
Cuz she had no arms.
Knock knock.
Who's there? Not Susie.
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Where did John go when the bomb blew up?
EVERYWHERE!!!!
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How do stop a jaguar from entering your house?
Paint a goal line on your front porch
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Ever taken a crap so big your pants fit better??????
I HAVE!!!! 😖👉💩
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Skrillex once asked me once if he could go fishing with me, i said no, when he asked why, I replied
"Because you always drop the bass -
You know the workers at Apple? They don't have Jobs anymore.
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Eric. wrote:
They probably would have sued Wal-Mart for having "Jobs"You know the workers at Apple? They don't have Jobs anymore.
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Sorry your password must contain the entire alphabet, your left foot, a theme song to a television show, and the blood of your enemies.
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ه☆ⓊƘ☆ه wrote:
Brutal dude!Eric. wrote:
They probably would have sued Wal-Mart for having "Jobs"You know the workers at Apple? They don't have Jobs anymore.
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ནཝཇངᎯངᎿཔᎦ༽༨རསཁྭ wrote:
I onse got th disclamer " yur password cannot be within a dictionary".....😳Sorry your password must contain the entire alphabet, your left foot, a theme song to a television show, and the blood of your enemies.
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angryleprechaun wrote:
I've seen this one before its not new2 men are in the bathroom, one is the boss and one is an employee. When the employee is done using the bathroom he almost leaves without washing his hands. The boss notices this and points at the "all employees must wash their hands sighn" The employee laughs then washes his hands and goes back to his job off cleaning the toylets.
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sebastian5367 wrote:
I dont care! Stil good and angrylep came heer with a joke as asked, not snot. Bad form.angryleprechaun wrote:
I've seen this one before its not new2 men are in the bathroom, one is the boss and one is an employee. When the employee is done using the bathroom he almost leaves without washing his hands. The boss notices this and points at the "all employees must wash their hands sighn" The employee laughs then washes his hands and goes back to his job off cleaning the toylets.
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Are you from subway cause you're given mea foot long
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A drunk angry man walks into a bar with a loaded gun and yells, "who the hell here f---ed my wife?!?"
A voice from the back yelled "you don't have enough bullets, mate!" -
Trauger Jogger wrote:
AhahahahahahahaA drunk angry man walks into a bar with a loaded gun and yells, "who the hell here f---ed my wife?!?"
A voice from the back yelled "you don't have enough bullets, mate!"An thats silly enuff to be cool sebastian😄
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My wife finally gave me a threesome last night.
She and her divorce lawyer fucked me.
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Marriage reminds me of cards.It's a gamble. You start with 2 hearts & a diamond & often ends with you wanting a club & a spade!
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Calculators May Be Ugly On The Outside
But Its What's On The Inside That Counts.
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Yesterday I underwent a painful procedure that required me to have my spine and both testicles removed.
Still, got some great wedding presents though.
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I'll never forget the day when I was diagnosed with Erectile Dysfunction.
My wedding.
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^Something tells me you don't like the idea of marriage
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