Joke contest
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There were 3 men who wanted to join the Catholic Chruch, the priest told them they must commit a sin before they could join so that they could confess their sins to god.. The three men leave in search of sins to commit.. The first guy returns to the church and the priest asks him to confess his sins.. He admits he robbed a bank.. The priest splashes him with holy water and he is saved.. The second guy returns and confesses he shot a innocent person, he is then splahed with holy water and saved.. The third guy returns and the priest asks him what sin he committed.. He says "I peed in the holy water"
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One day a little girl wanted to take a shower with her mother.. Her mother said ok.. When the little girl got in the shower she looked up and pointed at her mom and asked "what are those?" .. The mom replyed "those are my head lights" ... She then looked down and asked "what is that?" .. The mom replyed "that is my garage"... The little girl satisfied left the show.. As she left her father was changing in the other room.. She point at him and asks "what is that?" .. His reply is "that is my limo".. The little girl then proceeds to bed.. She woke up in the middle of the night from a night mare, and decided she was going to sleep with her parents.. Her parents allowed it as long as she didn't look under the covers... But her curiosity got to her.. All of a sudden she yelled "Mommy! Mommy! Turn on your headlights! Daddy is parking his limo in your garage!"
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😹 haha I think I'm done for awhile
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Haha alirght One more...A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
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A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.The librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
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Man walks into a bar and places a briefcase on the bar. He then opens it and pulls out a tiny piano and a 9 inch man that walks over to the piano and starts playing. The man sitting next to him can't believe it and asks the man where he got it. The man says "from my magic lamp here try". Excited the other man rubs the lamp and the genie came out. The man asks for a million bucks. All the doors close lightning and smoke fill the bar and as it clears there is feathers and sucks everwhere. The man says"cool but your genie is hard of hearing. I wanted a million bucks not ducks. " the other man replies"amd you think I wanted a 9" pianist?
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Sucks=ducks
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FROZEN SKUNK
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to
stop the car. There was a baby skunk
lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us,
get it warm, and let it go in the
morning?"He says, "O.K. Get in the car with it."
"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"
He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there."
"But what about the smell?"
"Just hold its little nose."
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.
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A young teen guy is invited over to a hot girl's house to have dinner with her family, and she promises he will lose his virginity afterwards.
He's so excited. He goes to the pharmacy to get some protection. He doesn't know what kind to buy, so he asks the pharmacist what he recommends. "I need a lot cause I'm going to lose my virginity tonight, and I'm going to have lots of sex!". The pharmacist smiles and gives him the anti-family pack.
He arrives at her house and sits at the dinner table. Everyone comes in and sits down. The boy declares "I will say grace!", and bows his head and mumbles for 10 minutes.
The girl whispers to him: "I had no idea you were so religious."
The boy whispers back: "I had no idea your dad was a pharmacist."
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Eyecu wrote:
? Gaged is not a word so this joke doesn't make sense.Q: What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A: She gaged.
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I think it's gagged
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An elderly couple are lying together in bed one night. The husband says to his wife, "I'm sorry, but I just let out a silent fart!" The wife looks over and says, "Right, first thing in the morning, we're going in to get you some new batteries for your hearing aid."
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A New Zealander walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says, "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies:
"I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."
The man says, "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."
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Mystery wrote:
I ment gagged.Eyecu wrote:
? Gaged is not a word so this joke doesn't make sense.Q: What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A: She gaged.
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Q: If you have one green ball in one hand, and another green ball in your other hand, what do you have?
A: Kermit's undivided attention.
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Eyecu wrote:
'Gaged' is recognized as a word. Your critique was the joke as it did not make as much sense as his. The word 'gaged' is correct in it's etymology with the Cinderella reference happening around the time of Charles Perrault's classic tale. Even if unintended his error seemed a wonderful play on words referencing Cinderella's plight.Mystery wrote:
I ment gagged.Eyecu wrote:
? Gaged is not a word so this joke doesn't make sense.Q: What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A: She gaged.
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Please, more jokes. Less meddling.
Bravo! Bravo! Great jokes so far!
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So when is the winner announced?
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Who knows ive been comin to this forum back and forth for the past 24 hrs to see lol
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What do you call a bucket that's red?
Wait for it..... Wait forrr itt...A RED BUCKET
Lol I laughed so hard at this after my friend told me racist jokes for 20 min straight. -
What is the difference between kinky and perverted?
kinky you use the feather, perverted you use the whole duck
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What did the penis say to the condom.... Cover me, I'm going in!
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Q: What has 80 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk?
A: my zipper -
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the hell was that all about?"
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A Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, "Peace in the Middle east, that's my wish." The genie looks concerned, then says "No, I'm sorry, that's just not possible. Some things just can't be changed. Do you have another wish?" The guys says 'Well...for my whole life I've never receievd oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says "How would you define peace?"
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A blonde and a brunette were watching the 11:00 evening news. The current news story was about a man up on a ledge and threatening to jump. The station cuts to a commercial.
Brunette: "I bet you $20 he's going to jump."
Blonde: "Okay."
(Back to newscast.) The man jumps.
Blonde: "Okay. Here's my $20."
Brunette: "No, that was too easy. I can't take it."
Blonde: "I insist. I lost."
Brunette: "I have a confession to make. I saw the same thing on the 6:00 news and knew he jumped. So it wasn't really a good bet."
Blonde: "I know. I saw the same newscast. But I didn't think he would be stupid enough to jump twice."
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A man with no arms or legs is sunbathing on the beach, he is approached by three beautiful young women who take pity on him. The first one says to him, have you ever been hugged? He shakes his head and she leans down and gives him a big hug. The second says to him, have you ever been kissed? he shakes his head, she kisses him, the third one asks, have you ever been fucked? No says the man, his eyes lighting up. Well you are now,the tides coming in!
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Mr. Ikslopot wrote:
I've seen gage substituted for gauge, but I've never seen gaged. I'll have to check a different dictionary.Eyecu wrote:
'Gaged' is recognized as a word. Your critique was the joke as it did not make as much sense as his. The word 'gaged' is correct in it's etymology with the Cinderella reference happening around the time of Charles Perrault's classic tale. Even if unintended his error seemed a wonderful play on words referencing Cinderella's plight.Mystery wrote:
I ment gagged.Eyecu wrote:
? Gaged is not a word so this joke doesn't make sense.Q: What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A: She gaged.
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I did find the following, but I don't get how it makes the joke funny:
transitive verb gaged, gaging gag′·ing
to offer as a pledge; wager
to bind by a pledge
Webster's New World College Dictionary Copyright © 2010 by Wiley Publishing, Inc., Cleveland, Ohio. -
Mystery wrote:
Wooo Cleveland!I did find the following, but I don't get how it makes the joke funny:
transitive verb gaged, gaging gag′·ing
to offer as a pledge; wager
to bind by a pledge
Webster's New World College Dictionary Copyright © 2010 by Wiley Publishing, Inc., Cleveland, Ohio.
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