Brainteasers/Jokes
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Marky G wrote:
LolPaddy says to Mick - Im ready for a holiday only this year im going to do it a bit different.
3yrs ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2yrs ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant. Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year? Paddy replies - I'll fukin take her with me! -
HNIC
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One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex.
‘What's that?’ he asked. She explained to him what sex was, and he said, ‘Oh,Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree.’
Horrified, she said, ‘Tarzan you have that all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly.’ She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and spread her legs wide. ‘Here,’ she said, pointing, ‘You must put it in here.’ Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, ‘Why the hell did you do that?’
‘Tarzan check for bees!’ -
Mom, Dad, and 2 kids have come to a river, and they find a boat. It is small and can only carry one adult or 2 kids at a time. Both kids are good rowers, but how can the whole family reach the other side of the river?
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1st the two kids go accross. 1 kid rows back. Then 1 adult rows across and the second child brings the boat back. Then both kids row back across. 1 kid gets out and the remaing child rows back to the remaining adult. The remaining adult rows over and the child gets back in to row over and get the last child
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This was a "sexual tension" quiz given at my old high school lol the teacher got
In trouble but it is entertaining1. I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. What Am I?
2. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes lick my nuts. What Am I?
3. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What Am I?
4. Over 1,000 people went down on me. I wasn't maiden for long. A big hard thing ripped me open. What Am I?
5. You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. What Am I?
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6. When I go in I cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What Am I?
7. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What Am I?
8. All day long, it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What Am I?
9. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard. What Am I?
10. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What Am I?
11. I offer Protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What Am I?
12. I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. What Am I?
13. My business is briefs. I am a cunning linguist. I plead and plead for it. What Am I?
14. I make some guys shoot in the air. I usually have a little pecker. I'm better in your hand than in your bush. What Am I?
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Heres the answers
1. Nose 2. Peanut Butter 3. Crane 4. Titanic 5. Tent 6. Dentist 7. Wedding Ring 8. Elevator 9. Chewing Gum 10. Newspaper Boy 11. Glove 12. Arrow 13. An attorney 14. Bird
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makuni wrote:
Correct1st the two kids go accross. 1 kid rows back. Then 1 adult rows across and the second child brings the boat back. Then both kids row back across. 1 kid gets out and the remaing child rows back to the remaining adult. The remaining adult rows over and the child gets back in to row over and get the last child
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Pinz wrote:
Nice one!!!!!One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex.
‘What's that?’ he asked. She explained to him what sex was, and he said, ‘Oh,Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree.’
Horrified, she said, ‘Tarzan you have that all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly.’ She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and spread her legs wide. ‘Here,’ she said, pointing, ‘You must put it in here.’ Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, ‘Why the hell did you do that?’
‘Tarzan check for bees!’ -
A hunter spots a small brown bear and shoots it. He then feels a tap on his shoulder, turns around, and is face to face with a big black bear. ‘You’ve got two choices,’ says the bear. ‘I maul you, or we have sex.’
The guy opts to take it from the bear. After recovering for two weeks, the pissed-off hunter searches out and shoots the big black bear. Just then he feels another tap on his shoulder, and turns to see a 10-foot grizzly standing over him.
‘Admit it,’ says the bear. ‘You don’t come here for the hunting, do you?’ -
Pinz wrote:
LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!A hunter spots a small brown bear and shoots it. He then feels a tap on his shoulder, turns around, and is face to face with a big black bear. ‘You’ve got two choices,’ says the bear. ‘I maul you, or we have sex.’
The guy opts to take it from the bear. After recovering for two weeks, the pissed-off hunter searches out and shoots the big black bear. Just then he feels another tap on his shoulder, and turns to see a 10-foot grizzly standing over him.
‘Admit it,’ says the bear. ‘You don’t come here for the hunting, do you?’
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Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline !
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 969696.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth and your mother’s maiden name.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you. -
A pregnant lady was pregnant with triplets and she goes to the bank and the bank robber shoots her three times in the stomach. Fortunately she lives. Although the doctor tells her that when her children are older, the bullets will come out of them. She gives birth to the triplets, two girls and a boy. 13 years later one of the girls comes to her mother and says, "I was going to the bathroom and a bullet came out!" So the mother explained the story of when she was shot to her daughter. A few days later, her other daughter comes to her and says, "I was going to the bathroom and a bullet came out!" So then the mom explained to her other daughter he story. Another few days later the boy comes to his mom, and the mom says, "let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?" And the son said, "No, I was wackin off and I shot the dog!!!!!!!!!"
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Still pulls in laughs tho
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Teacher: 'Billy, If there are 5 birds on a fence & you shoot 1, How many are left ?'
Billy: 'None, the others would fly away.'
Teacher: 'The answer is 4, but I like the way you think.'Billy: 'I have a question for you, Miss. There are 3 women eating ice cream cones, 1 licking, 1 biting, & 1 sucking. Which one is married ?'
Teacher nervously answers: 'The one sucking ?'
Billy: 'The answer is the one with the wedding ring on, But I like the way you think !!!!....' -
Pinz wrote:
LMFAOTeacher: 'Billy, If there are 5 birds on a fence & you shoot 1, How many are left ?'
Billy: 'None, the others would fly away.'
Teacher: 'The answer is 4, but I like the way you think.'Billy: 'I have a question for you, Miss. There are 3 women eating ice cream cones, 1 licking, 1 biting, & 1 sucking. Which one is married ?'
Teacher nervously answers: 'The one sucking ?'
Billy: 'The answer is the one with the wedding ring on, But I like the way you think !!!!....'
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An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class:
‘There are two things you need to succeed in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.’ Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse’s anus and licked it. ‘Now you must do the same,’ he told the class.
After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.
‘Second,’ the professor continued, ‘You must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this corpse’s anus, but licked my index finger?’ -
Pinz wrote:
Hahahhahahahagahagaha loolololololoollmaomaomaoAn autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class:
‘There are two things you need to succeed in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.’ Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse’s anus and licked it. ‘Now you must do the same,’ he told the class.
After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.
‘Second,’ the professor continued, ‘You must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this corpse’s anus, but licked my index finger?’ -
One I heard all the time @ school, a classic
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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There is this sophomore on my school whose name is Richard Bush... ROFLMAO but not everyone knows because in the yearbook he uses a fake name, like Larry or somethin
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Mizman102 wrote:
And???There is this sophomore on my school whose name is Richard Bush... ROFLMAO but not everyone knows because in the yearbook he uses a fake name, like Larry or somethin
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Oh wait sorry wrong name it's Harry Richard Bush. So in the yearbook it's like Larry bush so no one notices
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Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
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Pinz wrote:
HeheMarriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
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Angel of Blades wrote:
hmmm mm.What weighs nothing but is everything? Whatt is so simple yet so complex?
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Me: "I'm into anal."Wife: "Animal!".And with that, the crossword was complete.
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Mizman102 wrote:
Good one.Pinz wrote:
LMFAOTeacher: 'Billy, If there are 5 birds on a fence & you shoot 1, How many are left ?'
Billy: 'None, the others would fly away.'
Teacher: 'The answer is 4, but I like the way you think.'Billy: 'I have a question for you, Miss. There are 3 women eating ice cream cones, 1 licking, 1 biting, & 1 sucking. Which one is married ?'
Teacher nervously answers: 'The one sucking ?'
Billy: 'The answer is the one with the wedding ring on, But I like the way you think !!!!....' -
a man lays dead on the ground with 53 bicycles around him. who killed him?
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badfish wrote:
Idk who?a man lays dead on the ground with 53 bicycles around him. who killed him?
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