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I once tried to show off to a girl by telling her I had made a car entirely from spaghetti. She said she could never be with someone who made up such stupid lies.
You should have seen her face when I drove straight pasta! 🍝🚙
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A little new York joke
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This actually made me laugh 😂 👏🏻
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By the title of the thread, I thought you were going to ask...is it me you’re looking for?
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℣į₭ϊ₦Ǥ👹 wrote:
Lol me toThis actually made me laugh 😂 👏🏻
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Never make friends with a nosey pepper! 😤
They get jalapeño business all the time!
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I just went to the doctors and told him I can’t stop singing Tom Jones songs!
He told me I have TJOCD!
“What’s that?” I asked
“Tom Jones Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.” The doctor told me!
Me: “Is it common?”
Doc: “No but, it’s not unusual…”
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My wife has been mad at me for 3 weeks now because I didn’t open the car door and help her mother out.
I told her I’m sorry but I just panicked and swam for the surface!
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A new mummy has just been discovered in Egypt! It was found covered in chocolate and nuts.
They believe he was called Pharaoh Rocher!
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I just had to chase a mugger down the street after he stole my wallet!
He really gave me a run for my money 🏃♂️
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My friend is in hospital today after seriously burning himself due to his obsession with taking selfies by a boiling kettle!
The doctors believe he has serious selfie steam issues!
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My boss has told me I need to stop pronouncing my B’s and V’s! He said it’s making me sound Russian.
I don’t care though, if that’s the case then soviet!
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Just walked into the local and asked for some helicopter flavour crisps.
“Sorry mate.” The barman said “We’ve only got plane!”
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I hate autocorrect, it always makes me saying things I didn’t Nintendo!
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My wife always wanted a son with a foreign sounding name, so after she gave birth she decided on Mark but with a C.
I just went now to register his name!
I am so excited on my way home to see little baby Cark! 👶
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DC ONE wrote:
😂My wife always wanted a son with a foreign sounding name, so after she gave birth she decided on Mark but with a C.
I just went now to register his name!
I am so excited on my way home to see little baby Cark! 👶
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Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath…. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
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My wife once went to prison for beating her ex-husband with his guitars! At trial the judge said “first offender?”
“No!” she said “first a Gibson, then a Fender!” -
If I can give you one piece of advice from my life it would be, never ever date a tennis player!
I don’t know why but it’s like love means nothing to them!
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My older brother was named after our father to carry on his name. It can be really confusing having a brother called Dad though!
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I am really annoyed at myself! I know loads of jokes about cash machines, but I just can’t seem to think of one atm.
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My girlfriend said she wanted our first sexual experience together to be like a fairytale.
So I invited seven midgets to join in.
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I was talking to my milkman the other day who told me he has had sex with every woman on his route apart from 1!
I asked my wife about it and she said “I bet it’s that bitch at number 32!” 😳
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I had a threesome a few days ago.
Two people didn't show up though, so I had to take matters into my own hands.
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I tried to get some storm insurance for my campsite, but I was denied.
They said that if my tents get blown away, I won’t be covered.
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If a woman sleeps with many men shes a slut.
If a man does the same he's a homosexual. When will the double standards end?
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What’s blue and smells like red paint?
Blue paint.
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Lol I'm gonna roll another dube before I abuse your eyes with shit jokes lol
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In Canada, you are more likely to die of a moose kick than of a terrorist attack.
Those damn mooselimbs.
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My wife told me women are better at multitasking than men, so I told her to sit down and shut up.
But she couldn't do either.
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My teacher told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
But so far I've made three jugs and a vase and they're lovely.
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