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What do you get if you cross a pirate and a paedophile?
Arrr Kelly
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Was that last one too much?
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Last week my Doctor told me I was going deaf.
I haven’t heard from him since.
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Why was the cookie upset?
Because his father was a wafer so long.
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I wanted to thank everyone for sticking with me while I figured out the meaning of “many”.
It means a lot.
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Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them. They said it would be like winning the Lottery.
To be fair they were right, we had six matching balls.
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I bought some new seeds for my chickens, but they can't eat it.
It's impeccable.
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That one made me chuckle lol
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I bumped into an escaped prisoner camping out in the woods.
It was a clear case of criminal in tent.
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I hate jokes about sausages.
They're the wurst.
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I've been sleeping with a blind woman.
The sex is great but it isn't easy getting her husband’s voice right.
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People keep asking me to stop naming Bruce Willis movies.
But you know what they say, old habits pulp fiction.
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Last night my wife and I watched three movies back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
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My wife asked me if I was listening to her.
I thought that's a strange way to start a conversation.
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I'm fine letting other people dot my i's, but crossing my t's?
That's where I draw the line.
Its 5am and daylight and I'm sitting chilling after the weirdest day I've had in 37 yrs
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I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bed sheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
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I accidentally glued myself to my autobiography, but nobody seems to believe me.
But that’s my story, and I'm sticking to it.
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I bet my farmer friend £10,000 I could get his cows hooked on weed.
The steaks have never been higher.
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A slice of Apple Pie is £2.50 in Jamaica, £2.75 in Aruba and £3.00 in the Bahamas.
Those are the the pie rates of the Caribbean
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I used to sleep with a set of twins.
People always asked how I could tell them apart. I said it's easy, Mary always paints her nails purple and George has a cock.
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My wife is mad at the fact that I don't have a sense of direction.
So I packed my stuff and right.
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A vegan said to me, "People who sell meat are gross!"
I said, "People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."
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My wife told me she was going to leave me if I didn’t stop singing I’m a believer. I thought she was joking.
But then I saw her face
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My computer was idle for 10 minutes, then suddenly a picture of Jesus popped up.
It’s my new screen saviour.
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My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.
I can tell you I nearly shit her pants.
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My wife tripped and dropped the basket of clothes she had just ironed.
I watched it all unfold.
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Bouncer: "I'm going to have to ask you to leave."
Me: "Why?"
Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."
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What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a well dressed man on a unicycle?
Attire -
Two old men are sitting on the deck of a cruise ship. The first one asks, “Have you read Marx?”
The other one replies, “Yes. I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.”
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A Mexican magician performs a vanishing act. He tells his audience "On the count of three, I will disappear! Uno! Dos...!"
Poof!
When the smoke cleared, he had disappeared without a tres.
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