The real AMA
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༼྇༒ནཟཤརབས༒༽྇, step inside my friend.Feel and bask in the balmy blow of the "cheek" wind.Months of strife might be negated by your gurgling; a tactless remark dropped to the foreman upon his return.There is the crux of the matter.
You must start to take trips to the canteen and void into your colleagues' cups,void into their jacket pockets and void onto their work desks.Do this secretly; evoke outcries and fearful glances. Cavort,skip,spin,run and walk through the factory with a mysterious smile and recognizable pong.
They may fear to report you to the foreman and if they do so, you will feel justified in taking such prevenge ( pre-revenge).P.s: Take much roughage.
Kindest Regards, Vish. -
"Thought provoking":New York Thymes.
"Inspiring and Magnificant": The Herald.
"Epic coiled fury": The Nurney News.
"Sexy,get it out for the lads": The Sun.
These are just some of the critical acclaim that our star performer has garnered.A player in the true sense of the word who needs no introduction.Our own Guinness record holder who has done humanity proud.
" I just wanted to make a mark. Be known and have something to boast about to the grandchildren.It all started when a was but a nipper and saw that nobody else had tried it, unbelievably so.It just continued from there",he exclusively told us."But,I'll have to tell you that yes there were moments when I wanted to pack it all in", he confided almost shyly.
This man,this monster of a man, a hero if you will, has been ejecting the longest turd ever. Like a giant Danish pastry, it measures an incredible 98.2 metres in length!! Yes that a whopping ninety eight point two metres! -
It's progress can be marked by its distinctive colouring. A myriad of greys marking its beginnings and charting weather conditions:the numerous heat waves, cold snaps and even flash floods.Nicked,scored and Tapered in parts to almost a thread or whisker,it has been jealously guarded by his loving wife and dietician who confessed,"It has been difficult at times but it's like a baby to us".
He never snipped it off at the anal orifice but bided his time for the next length,fitful by fitful step in order to achieve such monumental proportions to challenge the prowess of tge pyramids. No hyperbole here.
Experts have praised the feat but one jealous wag ( who himself has a respectable 45 metres) claimed that oatlets were pressed into the mix post-excretion at times to firm it up. -
This has not ruffled our hero's feathers though as he explained candidly that some times "flushy-muck" came out.
The book chartering the entire process will be out soon with pictures in full blown colour and promises to be made into a block-buster movie directed by Hollywood's finest.
You heard it here first readers.
"A true love story of our times":
Scat Times. -
His sense of imminent doom was justified by the betrayal.
He had shit himself on the first date. -
"Fifty shades of shit"will be the title. I neglected to mention the hues and shades of browns, gun-metal greys, sweet corn yellows, pepper reds,carrot oranges,moss greens,powder whites and much more within the sludge. Sorry for being a cad in omitting such vital information.
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"Don't be a nerd, pass the turd",she hinted with a coy smile as garbage juice glinted off her sandal.
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vishbume wrote:
Coughrose red and Mossy Conners green."Fifty shades of shit"will be the title. I neglected to mention the hues and shades of browns, gun-metal greys, sweet corn yellows, pepper reds,carrot oranges,moss greens,powder whites and much more within the sludge. Sorry for being a cad in omitting such vital information.
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Lady Emily Spewhole stated the obvious. "This arse won't clean itself".Chagrined young Fanny Dribble,the blacksmith's daughter and just employed that very morning, quickly complied.
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Thank you M&R. Such detailing.
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This is not my return before you all start.
I must stick a post into this well written,lyrical wonderment of plop adventurism.
Vish your story making expertise is second to none with your extensive knowledge of all things brown and stinky,and every dump is like some mystical journey.....it's glorious.
Please continue as my bum cigars scream not to be flushed through the u-bend until they have read the next installment of your witty log Shute stories.
Rudgicus approves this thread
🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟5 stars -
💩💩ᎡᏌᎠᏀᏓᏣᏌᎦ💩💩 wrote:
I am honoured by the crown prince himself, the Honourable Rudgicus, spoken from cloud city where all turds aspire to be.Let the heavens open up and rain down sewerage. We would be blessed indeed to be caught in such a deluge. Where everyday would be Turdday.This is not my return before you all start.
I must stick a post into this well written,lyrical wonderment of plop adventurism.
Vish your story making expertise is second to none with your extensive knowledge of all things brown and stinky,and every dump is like some mystical journey.....it's glorious.
Please continue as my bum cigars scream not to be flushed through the u-bend until they have read the next installment of your witty log Shute stories.
Rudgicus approves this thread
🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟5 stars -
I wish to relay a story to you from my youth.
I had taken on a summer job cleaning out large housing estate septic tanks.I was warned that to inhale the noxious gases could induce visions if not death so I took my job seriously. I was meticulous and even reveled in my work.
But alas, one day I climbed down a ladder draped with used toilet paper,discarded fanny pads,sodden nappies, knotted rubbers and the like when I spied 3 comely lassies dancing languidly and enticing me to join.Their vestments of pearly pinks and glazed whites were near transparent upon their tanned bodies.
I grew instantly shy and went up for a gulp of fresh air as well as to preen myself. I was fortunate indeed to have done so for, to my horror, I returned to find these fine damsels replaced by 3turds trapped in toilet paper shawls instead!
Needless to say I rejected their advances after that. -
Two elderly clients were in the canteen beside the emporium just the other day. We served them their grub and they set about to noshing it down.After no more than 4 spoonfuls one of the ladies (the one with the distended pie) complained of the overly-rich texture of shit in her bowl. The other swallowed and nodded,"Yeah,and the portions are way too small".
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Listening to the theme music of Dr.Zhivago whilst dropping the kids off at the pool.
Keeps a great beat. -
The crowds were turned back today. The hetman could not squeeze out much mana today. The yield was shared out amongst the disciples. Measures have been taken to encourage the flow of the spigot for tomorrow otherwise we fear a riot. Our hands are up; we accept responsibility for the slip-shod servings of yesterday. Service may even resume by nightfall.
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The moon shone and the time was right.
The boys giggled like girls and there was a terrible bang off them. From the pedestal above came the first sounds of industry.The giant shuddered and from his crevice it uncoiled like a lazy python.The quivering was reflected in the glowing faces of the crowd.
The scene was set and the first whiff of merrymaking assailed the nostrils of Neddy,the milkman's nephew.He brazenly stole forward while the monster was absorbed and with a will cut the serpent's head clean off................
Nobody saw the tears of the Arch-Fiddler as he tried to bring the still form back to life.The summoning would have to wait for another year. -
Cap'n for a day. The surf be brown as me frigate ploughs through the sludge.Spraying a fine mist,she cuts fine a fine sight that would cause any member to swell.Brown Rear Admiral Penticost Pooe ( with a head like a half boiled parsnip) and his wench the wicked Agnes Scagg (cock-eyed) has plotted a course for the Slash on yonder horizon. Pumping bilge water from out of the hold.
Oooh-aarrr, nothing like facing the tainted wind from the poop deck. Moby Dick t'was sighted off the jakes. Sucking up the good stuff through his blow hole. Avast! Thar she blows. -
I put together a booklet full of watercolours and oils a few years back. I painted many different turds in different poses. Slouching ones,reclining and crested ones amongst others as I walked with a discerning eye around the streets of Madrid. The sitters were on the main dogs poos.
Fragenters,imploders,exploders,streakers,squishys,curlers,bumpities,lefties and righties,soupers and many more great hits all done lovingly and with a clinical finish.One features a meaty red tapering cigar with a powdered white cut off! Curious indeed.Impressionistic and cubist works I disregarded but have been included at the back. This glossy book unfortunately was never published as no takers saw the potential. Damn commercialism! But I do hope to publish the work with notes in the foreseeable future. Sign up for this unique as yet untitled tome packed with impacting images that will not leave you unmoved. -
Oh great mighty Vish, will we ever truly be rid of the finlay scum?
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🎀ăღɞɛȓ🎀,Some have been boiled down in the vats already and we shrunk a number of their wretched heads already. They make great rubbers to sit atop the pencils though their hair looks long now. But it is a real eye-catcher to see one scribble away with those rat tail sproutings.. But if you find this disconcerting you can tie pig-tails into it.One wag even said that his seemed to grimace as he erased!
I also recommend an ointment sold in one of the local stalls to keep the yellowing at bay. Will I put you down for one? -
Yes please Vish! It sounds to be of a great use! At reasonable coin I presume?
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🎀ăღɞɛȓ🎀 wrote:
Very reasonable and we have a very competitive plan where one can pay in one easy installment. Mention me Amber and you'll get it tax free. In fact, I'm going all out here, I'll give you a beta copy for free . It would stir the public. I'll include a " special" wallet that is not too wrinkled.Yes please Vish! It sounds to be of a great use! At reasonable coin I presume?
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Only 2 purses left....
The proceedings of the meet:
With a moist face that looked like a liver,his eyes squeezed out tears that to me looked like joy as my prize hog pressed its hams against his face and casually voided.The creature was starved of attention and certainly made up for it!
The squeals came from both man and beast alike in perfect tune to the clacking sound that mesmerized the captive audience of visiting dignitaries. The splayed individual was then extricated and given a sup of water and blubbered gratitude but the hog had warmed to its subject much to our amusement and so we were treated to more merriment.
Finally teas and pastries were served and we spoke of the politics and the weather. -
What kind of pastries?
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༼྇༒ནཟཤརབས༒༽྇ wrote:
Haha, you'd come for the grub only? Pastries with a warm meaty filling peppered with sweet corn. Also lemon merengue wonderments with a dollop of cream.All prepared by top notch bakers.What kind of pastries?
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An exhibitionist was thinking of retiring, but he decided to stick it out for one more year. (Anon).
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There is a party atmosphere here as an itinerant troupe make make a surprise appearance.Servings of tea and biscuits are on offer. Each cup will be rimmed by members of this party.
The art of " rimming" is a skill which they can perform with consummate ease.It involves the "turning" of a cup or glass in the nether regions. The rim is sunk slightly into the artisan's pud and turned slowly by a bearded lady. The receptacles of choice sport globs. The biscuits are normal off the shelf stuff but can be crevice slotted too. Each crumb is charged with the soakage in this manner giving the taster a tie-curling experience.
They are a delicacy to be savoured but care should be taken to brush out any lodged crumbs that could cause unsightly rashes,boils,septic pustules or even distended assholes. Lancing,scrubbing,the use if ointments or the bleeding of these things leads to sourness.
Let the festivities begin! -
*toe curling. One gentleman actually had a curly foot after sampling a Jaffa-cake!
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Vishbume, am I a Finlay? People are saying I am, but I don't know anymore...
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