Best jokes (18+)
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A guy walks into a whorehouse and says to a whore "I need to get laid but all I have is five bucks". She says "well we had a hooker die this morning, hows a dead hooker for five bucks?". "that's fine!" the guy says shamelessly. He give her the five bucks, goes up, screws the dead hooker and comes back down. "How was she?" the whore asked. Fine, but I think she has a runny nose". The whore laughs and says "nahh, she's probably just full again".
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A man walks into his sons room and catches him whacking his pud. He says "Son, if you keep whackin off you're gonna go blind!". The son says "I'm over here dad."
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KvnK wrote:
Crip keeper walks into a whorehouse and says to a whore "I need to get laid but all I have is five bucks". She says "well we had a hooker die this morning, hows a dead hooker for five bucks?". "that's fine!" Crip keeper says shamelessly. He give her the five bucks, goes up, screws the dead hooker and comes back down. "How was she?" the whore asked. Fine, but I think she has a runny nose". The whore laughs and says "nahh, she's probably just full again".
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It's a convicts first day in prison and he's crying to his cell mate. To comfort him his cell mate says "do you like baseball?" "yeah" the convict replied. " we play baseball every Monday, you'll love Mondays". That's not so bad the convict thinks. "do you like pizza?". Asks the cell mate. "of coarse!" says the convict, "I love pizza!". The cell mate says " then you'll love Tuesday, it's pizza day! All you can eat!". The convict starts cheering up.. The cell mate says "are you a homo?". "no!" replies the convict. With an apologetic look on his face the cell mate says "well you're gonna fucking hate wed-Sunday!"
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A man goes to the doctor, finds out he has 5 penises.. The doc says "that's amazing! How the he'll do you pants fit!?!?". The man says "like a glove!"
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A bear and a rabbit are shittin in the woods. The bear is bitching because shit sticks to his fur. The rabbit says "that sucks, nothing sticks to my fur.". The bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.
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A man takes a hooker up to a room and says "how much?" the hooker says "$200." The man lays down on the bed and starts beatn off. The hooker says " what are doing". He says "for $200 you think you're gettin the easy one!?!?!"
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A nun walks into a bus and sits behind the driver and says, "I have just one regret before I die,"
The bus driver asks "What might that be?", she says "I have never had sex, but I can't have sex with a married man or that would be a sin."
The bus driver says, "I'm not married"
The nun says, "I have to die a virgin so I will have to take it in my ass".
Being the only two in the bus they went to the back and took care of business.
When they were done the bus driver says to the nun, "I have a confesion to make, I am married."
The nun says "I also have a confesion to make, My name is Tom and im going to a costume party!" -
A guy hooks up with a chick and they go home and start makin out. She says "stick a finger in my poosey". He does. She says "two fingers" then says stick your whole hand in, so he does. "stick both hands in!!" she screams. "Now up to your wrists! Elbows!! Stick your head in!!! And your shoulders!!!!!!". The man does every thing she asks. "now clap!". "I can't" the man mumbles from inside her vaganay. "tight ain't it!" she yells.
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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go." -
A docter goes to a pacient and says the scan showed signs of cancer. Patient replays and goes aww man this is bad. Doctor goes: but the scan also showed that you have alzheimrs at which point the patient said aww man that's a relief and the doc goes what do you mean aren't you worried. Sort of but I mean it could be worse I could have alzheimers
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A Jewish man walks into a confession booth and says "father, I have sinned I met a girl and she was beautiful but she was married. I fooled around with her and she started sucking so I started fucking and it was raunchy dirty sex. Then her beautiful daughters came home and they joined in. Fucking and sucking....". "stop!!" the Jew heard from the other side of the booth, "why are you telling me? You're Jewish!". "tellin' you?!?" said the Jew, "I'm telling EVERYBODY!!"
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Buuuuuuuuuump
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A women was pregnant with triplets.
One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.
She goes to the doctor who tells her her children will be all right, one day the bullets will come out.
So 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" So the mother tells her the story.
The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHOOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"
On the third day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM!" she goes "Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?" he replies "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!" -
A mother had 3 daughters whome were named by the first thing that hit their head so one daughter goes up to the mother and says "why's my name rose?" because honey, when you were born a rose pedal fell on your head. Oh ok and the girl left, then the other daughter came over and said why's my name Lilly? Because, when you were born a lily pedal fell on your head. Oh ok...then you here the third girl screaming and yelling and the mom replies, shutup cinder block
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Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called rodeo. His friend says no, what is it?
Well you mount your wife from the back, reach around and cup her breasts with both hands.
Then say, "Boy, those are almost as nice as your sisters".Then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds.
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Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.
As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, Vietnam, 1969.”
The other points his thumb behind him and says, “Dog crap, 20 feet back.”
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Two guys see a dog licking his own balls and one guy says, "Man I wish I could do that." To which the other man replied, "Do you think you should ask the dog first?"
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Primo wrote:
LmaoTwo guys see a dog licking his own balls and one guy says, "Man I wish I could do that." To which the other man replied, "Do you think you should ask the dog first?"
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Carlos Tevez: "Introducing my new lean, mean, grilling machine. I'm so proud of it, I put my face on it!"
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Prez wrote:
niceTwo men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.
As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, Vietnam, 1969.”
The other points his thumb behind him and says, “Dog crap, 20 feet back.”
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Adam and eve were having sex and eve got worried, Adam quickly reassured her she was he only women in the world. That made her feel much better until after having some more sex and Adam fell asleep she counted his ribs
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Add:COW🔓🌅🎆 wrote: click this
lAfter awhile, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and, sure enough, they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead because it hung there limp and some of its guts were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. And, by golly, that old eel wasn’t dead after all! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats…they have 9 lives or something.
This time Sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggling, they finally killed the eel for real this time. I know it was really dead ’cause I saw Sis’ boyfriend peel off its skin and flush it down the toilet.
DADDY, DADDY, COME QUICK!!! MOM FELL OUT OF THE CHAIR, AND SHE’S NOT MOVING!!!”
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Raoul mort has just been given the uk hide and seek championship! Go on lad we all hate the fucking pigs!! 🐽🐽
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ecrusher wrote:
What?Adam and eve were having sex and eve got worried, Adam quickly reassured her she was he only women in the world. That made her feel much better until after having some more sex and Adam fell asleep she counted his ribs
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yomama1064 wrote:
uh. Yeahh. Watever....ecrusher wrote:
What?Adam and eve were having sex and eve got worried, Adam quickly reassured her she was he only women in the world. That made her feel much better until after having some more sex and Adam fell asleep she counted his ribs
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i would love my husband to stop smoking..... but i have an overwhelming urge to set him on fire again 🚬
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last week roul moats face was all over the papers, now its all over a tree!!
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Apple are planning to launch a new kids range, one problem they are struggling to name the said products..... itouch kids is apparently not appropriate!!
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chezzy sian wrote:
lmaoApple are planning to launch a new kids range, one problem they are struggling to name the said products..... itouch kids is apparently not appropriate!!
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