Mitch Hedberg
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I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to too.
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I love fooseball. It's a blend of my two favorite things. Soccer and sish kabob's
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I'm against picketing, but i don't know how to show it.
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The most depressing thing about tennis is that I'll never be as good as a wall.
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A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
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〓 MR71VWBUS 〓 wrote:
Fooseball gave me the wrong impression of soccer. I can't do a backflip to start with, let alone several simultaneously with 3 other men.I love fooseball. It's a blend of my two favorite things. Soccer and sish kabob's
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😂😂😂😂
Omg just reading the name reminds me of all his stand ups and specials. -
I think Pringles initial intentions was to make tennis balls
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What the f### is a sesame??
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Legend.
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I once remixed a remix. It went back to normal.
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I was walking with a friend and he said "I hear music". I said "I did not know there was any other way to perceive it".
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The FedEx driver is a drug dealer and he don't even know it.
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If you find yourself lost in the woods f**k it build a house you have greatly improved your situation
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My favorite one is his smokey the bear joke 😄
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This shirt says dry clean only. That means its dirty.
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Ever wonder if a hippopotamus was just a really cool opotamus?
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When I was young I use to lay in my twin bed and wonder where my brother was
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One time a guy handed me a picture, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger".
Every picture of you is of when you were younger! -
I bought a parrot that could talk but it didn't say it was hungry so it died
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I think a rotisserie is a really morbid ferris wheel for chickens. Lets take a chicken, impale it, and rotate it. And I'll be damned if I'm not hungry!
Spinning chicken carcasses make my mouth water. -
I just felt like putting every joke everyone is missing but that would kill the thread 😁
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I bought an ant farm, but I got ripped off. Those little bastards didn't grow shit.
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I love Mitch Hedberg, he was a legend.
I had a parrot that could talk, but he didn't say he was hungry. So he died.
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4nick8r 3 weeks ago Quote
I bought an ant farm, but I got ripped off. Those little bastards didn't grow shit.
And if u tear their legs off they look like snowmen lmao -
I went to buy a candleholder, but the store was out so I bought a cake.
I did comedy once for a fundraiser, we were raising funds for a machine that shows how much funds you've raised.
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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Man with hole in pocket feels cocky all day 😜
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It would be cool if a drummer picked up two magic wands instead of drum sticks. He'd start the song. "Alright! 1, 2, 3, 4.... Oh shit, my bass player is a can of soup"
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An escalator can never break, it can only become stairs.
You will never see an "Escalator temporarily out of order" sign, just "Escalator temporarily stairs, sorry for the convenience" sign. -
Once I saw this wino who was eating grapes, and I said, "Dude, you have to wait".
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