Rules to Live By
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This is a list of rules that I think everybody and every place should live by. Most seems like common sense stuff, but you would be surprised. I ask you to refrain from commenting until I post the -end post. There will be a total of 50 rules +1. Most of all, I hope you get a laugh out of these. Any names mentioned in these posts are completely fictional and in no way represent anybody here in TW.
1. (This is a rule I mentioned before) If the restaurant that you are at is making your bowels move at a faster velocity than their faucet, the faucet needs to be fixed.
2. Ladies, If you are wearing clothes that cover less than 20% of your body in a public place, you have no right to complain when we look. This also goes for those fantastic sweatpants that have words like "juicy" written on them. -
3. If you see an animal that you cannot identify by sight, assume that it can kill you because if it gets the chance, it will.
4. Don't pee in the pool, it is not okay just because everybody does it. It is people that think like that who make the water to pee concentration 50/50. We can all stop this problem if we work together.
5. Please for the love of all things holy, do not decide to not order food then pick off your dinner mates plate. It is rude, and if somebody does it to you, poke them with a fork.
6. Don't buy a fish you won't take care of. My sister would be a serial killer if fish were considered people.
7. Practice proper restroom etiquette that means, don't play firemen with your stream, don't smear fecal matter every where, don't leave the toilet seat in such a condition that FEMA should be called, and don't you dare make eye contact with me while I'm at the urinal if I don't know you. -
8. Keep your kids away from public places if you can't keep them from causing chaos. I know this is possible. I've been to movies with 3 year olds who stay quiet through the movie. I've been in a restaurant where a baby was quiet because the mom paid attention to him constantly and did not just tone him out. This may sound ignorant, and I'm sorry if it does, but we have all been in a situation where the parents tone out their children and let them run amuck, this is who this rule is directed at. If you don't follow this rule I will escort you and children out in an orderly fashion, namely using the whips jockey's use to "inspire" horses.
9. If you have no skill, are not extraordinary in any way shape or form in a positive way, and are not an actor, I would like you to stay away from a video camera. Jersey shore and any show similar to it are shows glorifying people who, for lack of a better term make no meaningful contribution to society other than being famous. -
10. Be patient when waiting for anything in a line. Whether it be traffic, movie, or lunch lines, there is always the person who complains ceaselessly about the pace at which the line is moving. Your complaining really increases the movement of the line I'm sure. My philosophy would be for every time you complain you move back a spot.
11. Pondering a chickens motives for crossing a road, while very philosophical, is not very nice. Chicken do not wish to be questioned, they just want to endlessly wander from road to road unmolested.
12. If you can hold a conversation with yourself, such as I and many others i know, you are either brilliant or insane or Turf Lord, who is mostly the latter. Talking to yourself is a normal thing and is in fact very useful, but keep it out of the public eye or else an obligatory foil hat will be placed upon your head.
13. If you ever have a chance to run through a field of wheat, take it, it is an exhilarating experience. -
14. When you are ordering your meal at a fast food restaurant, know what you want before you approach the counter, there are people behind you waiting that are most likely complaining behind you back, I know I do, which brings me to my next point.
15. Acknowledge that every person in this world is a hypocrite in some way, shape, or form, and that includes you. Just find ways to reduce your hypocrisy in the interest of not seeming like an ignorant douche(pardon).
16. Don't overdose people around you with self esteem. People need to be knocked down a few pegs when they fail; it is the only way anybody ever gets good at anything. This goes double for children. A child does not need to get an award for being 27th place in their division in a competition that has 75 divisions. -
16 cont. The worst culprit of this is sportsmanship awards. Unless a kid is literally giving the other team hugs/ high fives every time they succeed, they do not deserve this award. This comes from somebody who won several sportsmanship awards in my lifetime. I knew what they meant though because my parents didn't baby me.
17. Imagine that anything anybody tells you is a lie because it probably is. I learned this lesson when I was 5, when I realized my best friends dad was not really a superhero, and I have been practicing it ever since. This goes especially here on the Internet.
18. Companies such as Hostess and Mars are trying to kill you with sweet delicious goodness. Do not attempt to fight them; they will win.
19. Companies should not make dolls. They do it subtlely wrong and it makes the dolls look like murderous monstrosities that menace your mind. -
20. Know your history. Think of history as a chronicle of ways not to get yourself killed. Useful stuff.
21. Only wear sweat pants if you are:
A. Working out
B. at home
C. They say juicy on the back(ladies only please, even though we know those are grimms favorite pair of pants).
22. Abstract art where there is absolutely no rhyme or reason why anything is anywhere is not art. That red streak does not represent the chaos spreading across the canvas of modern society, it just shows you were too lazy to actually paint anything. This rule applies to taking a black and white picture of ordinary objects and passing it off as art.
22. Respect your elders. They have fought the Grimm reaper harder than you have and thus are better than you. Being old means you have avoided the Grimm reaper like the plague even though I realize that is not exactly the best comparison seeing as the plague killed millions, but I digress. -
22 cont. Plus, grandpa's stories will be better than anything you have done in your life so far. My grandpa fought an alligator with his bear hands, I am no where near his level of manliness.
23. Never take a nap on the side of the road. If you have done this you got extremely lucky to not be murdered, kidnapped, etc. Taking a nap on the side of the road is liking putting a sign up that says nobody knows where I'm at, and I am defenseless. The same principle applies for if you are in your car or just on the street. Even I, a sane albeit creative human being, have thought about the crazy things a person could do to somebody that was sleeping on the sidewalk. It's like walking by a car running with the keys in it; you think, "man if I was a criminal I would totally steal that car."
24. Learn to run fast and/or climb trees. Many of mankind's most deadly enemies can be avoided by running fast. Angry tiger, climb tree. Angry wife, run fast. -
Freaking flying cockroach attack, run fast and hopefully keep the contents of your bowels in one place; yes that is the second time I've used the word bowels in one post.
25. Don't be stupid, stupid. Think jumping off the roof into a kiddie pool is smart? It's not. Think getting that tattoo of your boyfriend of 3 weeks on your arm is smart? It's not. Potential humiliation and danger could be avoided through some simple forethought. I know some things help a normally smart person along the track of stupid, but we can still try our best. An example, I once had a thought to walk around my neighborhood in the buff while inebriated, luckily my don't be stupid, stupid meter went off and I did not do it. If your meter is weak employ a buddy system! -
26. Don't use water fountains. Ever. Think of it as drinking other people's backwash running through rusty unsanitary pipes. Drinking from a stagnant pond is more than likely safer than drinking that water.
27. Let my people sing. Seriously, when anybody is singing in the car, do not tell them to stop unless they are doing it to purposely annoy you. In which case be my guest to punch them in the mouth, but let's get back in track(get it track, music... Eh whatever). Music is meant to be enjoyed and one of the best ways to do so is through singing or humming the tune. While it is not imperative that they sing perfectly, it is preferable for them to know the lyrics. As well, if it doesn't cross your mind to sing during songs like Don't Stop Believing, something is a bit off in your soul. -
27.5 side note here. I was literally just attacked by one of those damn flying cockroaches in the middle of typing and I employed rule number 24. And yes I was one of the lucky one who kept their bowels in place.(that's number 3 if you are counting).
28. Never buy beach front property. Think of the sea as a monstrously large man who craves to eat your hard earned possessions, and instead of keeping a safe distance you decide to set up shop on his lip. That is what you are essentially doing. When a hurricane came through our area, all of the bright thinkers who wanted to be 30 secs from the beach had their houses flooded or wrecked. Putting you house on stilts is a solution, but it's a bad one. Water typically does what it wants, and if that fat guy wants your $200,000 abode, he'll take it. Man I love extended metaphors! -
29. Sleep is great; get as much of it as you can. No drug or drink will ever make you feel like you do when you sleep, you know except for sleeping pills, but that's not the point. Sleep gives us dreams, and refreshes us. Stop avoiding it(being hypocritical here as well it is 4:01 am right now). The best sleep is the sleep you get from a severe flu. It's like your floating on a cloud made of cotton candy and happiness. I recommend you try it, not the severe flu part, but the awesome sleep part.
30. Try not to yell at the people helping you fix your computer over the phone. Remember they have to deal with obnoxious, arrogant, or stupid people all day, and the least you could do is be nice to them for a change. If they turn out to be incapable as 50% of the "help" people do, direct your anger at a passerby or maybe somebody on the Internet. -
31. Refusal to vote on the movie, restaurant, or a political candidate revokes your right to complain. What you are essentially doing is acting like a small child. We have all been in a car and asked what somebody wants, the answer 75% of the time is "I don't know," but as soon as you pick a place they start whining. Usually this person also doesn't follow the no picking off the plate rule as well, which combines to make one of the types of people I despise the most. This principle is mirrored in politics. They say I didn't like any option, so I didn't vote. Bullshit. If that's the case pick the candidate you hate the least, that way you can still complain later.
32. No matter how good you think you are at something, there will always be somebody better than you, but that's a good thing. Oh can you jump rope at a rate of 500 beats per minute? -
That's impressive! But wait, there's a 9 year old girl in Korea that can do that too, except she has no legs and hold one end of the rope with her mouth and just does one-armed hops. It is a sobering fact that most of us have to realize, but if you realize it, you can accomplish so much more. Think you could train and 1-up the no-legged little girl by getting 501 beats per minute. Then you would be the best right? Wrong. There's a 15 year old child jump roping prodigy who pioneered the 600 bpm triple crossover layup. Guess you better get training!
33. Don't worry about future apocalypses. Honestly, if I had a dime for every time i heard my friends talk about the Mayans I would have many more dimes than I do now. The crackpots trying to spread the word and scare people are like dogs yapping at a door. There is usually nobody there, but they'll yap anyways on the off chance that there will be somebody there. -
What do you stand to gain if the world does end at that point? Bragging rights? Fat chance, we will all be dead at that point, so you will have just wasted valuable seconds you could have been indulging in some good old fashioned trash-talking.
34. Get a dog. Life is so much easier with a dog. It is the one thing in this life that will love you unconditionally for all of its life. A dog's love is so blind that you could literally be the worst person in the world and a dog will still be loyal to you. I know Adolf Hitler had dogs, and they loved him even though he made them have his mustache.
35. Stop watching shows like Ancient Aliens and taking them completely serious. Take everything everything you see on TV with a grain if salt, especially if they talk about aliens. Half of the stuff they do is complete speculation and the other half is pseudo-science and pseudo-archaeology. If you believe in every single bit of what those types of shows tell you, you are on your way to joining the tinfoil hat club. -
36. If your pizza has enough grease on it to fill an olympic sized swimming pool, you went to the right place. Any proper piece of pizza should require a bib to eat.
37. If I catch you with your phone out during a movie for any reason except for emergencies, I will come over there and break it.
38. If you have to drink 5 cups of coffee to "wake up," you have no right to call smokers out on being addicted. Seriously, I like my caffeine and other energizing supplements, but I've known many people who just have to have their coffee or they turn into Hyde. If caffeine had the side effects of crystal meth, we would be a nation of bad teeth, in other words, Britain(sorry England I had to do it!) -
39. You are not allowed to own a Super truck unless you do work that requires either heavy-duty towing or the extra trunk space. When I say super trucks, I mean the F-150s and other steroid induced trucks. The reason why normal people shouldn't own these trucks is that when a normal level-headed human being enters these trucks, something splits in their DNA, and they get uncontrollable road rage. On second thought, you can own these trucks also if you are a veteran or operate heavy machinery for a living. These people are trained! P.s. I live in Texas so I do know what I'm talking about; 1/3 of our population owns a truck like this.
40. If you are a stripper and you are actually working to pay for college, you must maintain proper documentation on you at all times proving this fact; a sexy school girl outfit doesn't cut it. -
41. Don't buy any underwear that has your country's flag on it. In America's case, I'm sure Betsy Ross did not envision her design rubbing against a sweaty crotch all day. The image I keep getting in my head is the nasty picture of Austin Powers in his speedo with Britain's flag on it. This really makes me want to move on to the next rule.
42. Cards are not real gifts; don't assume only a card is a good present. Cards show the least amount of effort you could put into a present. A carefully picked out rock from the area around your house would be a better present because you clearly showed more initiative in finding the rock. A handmade card isn't much better. Long story short, cards are the absolute worst way to show appreciation ever conceived. I hate you Hallmark! -
43. Take the stupid stickers off your hats. They are not there to look cool; they are there to show authenticity in a world filled with knockoffs. Not taking the stickers off of your hats shows me that you have the mentality of a toddler. Ohhhh Shiny!
44. Keep your reds separate from your whites and always wash with cold water, or else your shirts will be more pink than that crafty panther. Well that is unless you want pink shirts, but it seems like it would be easier to buy pink shirts. -
45. Being a vegetarian is (and I'm trying to not sound offensive here) an unwise choice. You are basically flying in the face of nature. Our teeth, our body, our entire biological programming is made to consume BOTH meat and vegetables. That's why just thinking about a hot, steaming, juicy steak makes you salivate. I understand that it is a personal choice, but I would prefer to eat meat because my body knows best and it is made to want meat. It would be like seeing a bird refuse too fly because it is too good for flying. Birds already seem uppity enough, but imagine one with his upturned nose refusing to fly. Just give that thing a monocle and a top hat and that completes the image I have in my mind.
46. Don't watch scary movies if you can't handle them. Your ear piercing screams, while entertaining are somewhat annoying, especially if you are a guy. If your a girl, I didn't come with you to comf-... I didn't come with you to... Eh whatever, if you are a girl you can watch scary movies if you want. -
47. If you cannot act responsibly or with any level of common sense, do not buy a gun. Every month we as a race hear about people accidentally shooting their friends(Cheney did it on purpose), shooting themselves in the foot, or pulling shenanigans with a gun. Honestly, if you can't operate a gun carefully (don't aim at something you don't intend to kill comes to mind), maybe it is best you accidentally shoot yourself in the foot. Maybe you are one of the learn by experience types. Just make sure not to injure others with your stupidity. Honestly, an IQ test on gun permits could solve this or a basic gun safety course. This could be a part of the don't be stupid rule, but this is a specific problem.
48. Here the only rule I will tell you which goes against another rule. Go to a beach during a storm! Seriously, don't go in the water just play some type of sport in the pouring rain. -
Alcohol would add to the experience. It is the best thing I've ever done (yes it did beat the wheat field). It's like playing a football game in a field with bear traps. The danger is there, but it is easy to spot. We finally left when the rain turned to hail. Do not go to the beach during a hailstorm! It is like the sky is shooting a cannon filled with gravel at you.
49. Don't run your mouth if you can't back it up (or as Lady Skillz days write a check your ass can't cash). This is a prevalent problem on the Internet and in real life. I equate it to a small dog with a loud bark. I would wager 99% of fights result from some form of unbacked trash talk. But the problem with this on the Internet is you can't smack the person back into their place. The Internet is full of people who talk smack that they can't back up because we have no way of correcting their egregious errors by physical abuse. -
50. If you are going to clap to the beat, do it correctly. There is always that one lemming that starts clapping at the wrong part of the beat. Eventually he gains a following of people who think his way is correct and the clapping just sounds terrible. This would be awesome if it resulted in epic clap battles where dancing is incorporated but sadly it doesn't. If you can't keep a simple clap rhythm sit down and just listen. This also goes for people who try to dance but look like they are just seizing; there no rhyme or reason behind their dancing, they are just winging it. Please sit down. I sit down.
51(Lady Skillz rule). If you cannot pay attention while driving you should not be allowed to own a drivers license. Case in point; if I have to beep at you 20 times to get you to turn or go once the light goes green. -
One or two beeps is acceptable but if the whole line of traffic is beeping at you and you still don't go, drivers license revoked. Next time i miss a light because you wanna answer that text instead of go, i am going to push you out of the way with my car Another point on this is old people. If you can't go the speed limit, do not drive on major highways. You are the reason for accidents.
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Awesomeness! 😃
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Thank you for reading this whole post, and I would like to just take a moment to recognize my friend Lady Skillz who made sure I didn't step too far out of line and caught all of my spelling errors. I kindly ask if y'all could pick a favorite 6-8 rules, I may make expanded versions of those rules for something else.
Happy July 4th Everybody! -
I liked all 51
If only common sense were common -
Oh, I forgot to mention that lady Skillz's favorite way to get gratitude is through trips to the ER! So send her on her way for her great editing skillz!
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🔰࿈Ᏸลอ🔥Ᏸεαη࿈🔰 wrote:
You had someone proof read this...? Anyway, number 22 (the first one, not the second one😉) was definitely my favorite. Taking some paint and throwing it against the wall isn't art, it's idiocy.-end
Thank you for reading this whole post, and I would like to just take a moment to recognize my friend Lady Skillz who made sure I didn't step too far out of line and caught all of my spelling errors. I kindly ask if y'all could pick a favorite 6-8 rules, I may make expanded versions of those rules for something else.
Happy July 4th Everybody! -
I like # 2 ! Some women get mad when men stare, when they wear revealing clothes😏💃
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Remember to please try to pick 6-8 of your favorite rules for me!
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