I am sara I cant find my thred
Forums › General Discussion › I am sara I cant find my thred-
sadsam wrote:
Ok thn tthat theem TOTLY MAKES SENS!!! Hahahahahahahaaha👆mrs sam
😘😘😘
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A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."
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What a woman says...
This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!What a man hears...
blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW! -
A mans wife is acting weird so he takes her to the doctor for some test. After a days worth of test the doctor comes out and ask to speak with the husband privately. He tells him that the test have narrowed her problems down to two possibilities. He says that his wife either has the onset of dementia, or a new strain of a horrible and fatal STD. Obiviously the husband is upset by both options & he ask the doc what he should do. The doc points out that they really don't have a clue which one it is, but they have an idea for one last test. He tells the husband to kick her out of the car 5 miles from home. What will that prove ask the man. The doc replies; well, if she finds her way back home, don't sleep with her.
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A guy goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The girl behind the counter says, "What size?"
He says, "I don't know."
She holds up a finger and says, "That big?"
He says, "Bigger."
She holds up three fingers and says, "That big?"
He says, "Smaller?"
She holds up two fingers and he says, "That's it."
She puts the two fingers in her mouth and says, "Medium."
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sadsam you're my joke hero. ❤💋
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All the ladies love a joker.... Must be why they laugh when they see me naked😂
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A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, "If you marry my daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary."
The guy says, "What's wrong with her?"
The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous.
The boss says, "It's only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly, she's as dumb as a wall."
The guy turns him down.
The boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a mansion"
The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex.
About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he's about to hang it on the wall.
He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring me a hammer."
She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the hammer.
The guy says, "Get me some nails."
She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him some nails.
The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb, and he yells, "Fuck!"
She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag." -
Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be The Man of Your House.'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'
His Sicilian wife Gina replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess."
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A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.
Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said,
"OK, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?" -
What is "fee fye foe, fo fee fyi foe"?
Mike Tyson's phone #. -
Found this one
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As Sara is (reluctantly) back in hospital, I have revived this thread, and intend to tell awfull jokes untill she is released again into the wild.
Sara, I will maintain this relentless drivel untill you ask me to stop.
💙💙💙WIZZOO💙💙💙 -
A bus full of nuns crashes and unfortunately they all die,
at the gates of heaven they meet St Peter.
He asks the first nun "have you ever had any contact with a penis. The nun replies "i poked one once" St Peter says "wash your finger in this holy water and enter heaven"
He asks the next nun the same question, she replies "i fiddled with one once". "wash your hand in this holy water and enter heaven"
Then St Peter hears a commotion among the other nuns and one nun pushes to the front
"whats wrong?" he asks
the nun replies "if im going to have to gargle that holy water, i want to do it before Sister Anne washes her ass in it" -
After many months of trying to make ends meet, a couple decided that the only way they were going to get any extra cash was to have the old lady start hooking.
Early the next morning the wife came home looking very haggard and worn out. The husband guiltily asked how she did, to which the wife replied that she earned two hundred dollars and 50 cents.
“That’s great!“ the husband replies. “But who gave you the 50 cents?”
“Everybody!” replied the wife.
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A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?"
He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?"
Again he declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes."
Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
"Well, then", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm STARVING!"
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A guy enters a bank to see about getting a business loan.
"What kind of business do you want to start?" asks the bank manager.
"I have some black powder. You sprinkle it on a women's vagina and it makes it taste like a peach."
"I don't think we can give you a loan." he replied.
So the guy left. A few months later he went into the bank with a wheel barrel filled with money.
The same bank manager said, "Congratulations, I guess that idea for black powder really paid off."
"Nah, that didn't go anywhere. I made my money with this white powder."
"Really," replied the bank manager. "What does it do?"
"Give me a peach and I'll show you."
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A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt comes to his table and asks, “What would you like, sir?”
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, “A quickie.”The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, “What would you like, sir?” Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, “A quickie, please.”
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding “SMACK!” and storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, “Um, Pal, I think it’s pronounced ‘quiche’.”
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A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".
The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand." -
I found this on a thread so funny..
"A priest dies and is waiting at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.Saint Peter asks him, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ? '
The guy replies, 'I'm Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston.'
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' The pilot goes into Heaven.
Next, it's the priest's turn. He declares, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.'
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.
'Just a minute!' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?
'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached people slept ....but when he flew, people prayed.'"
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whette fartze wrote:
Puny.Have you ever gone camping? I heard its intense!
In a tent
Intense -
sadsam wrote:
You da man Sam. ✊As Sara is (reluctantly) back in hospital, I have revived this thread, and intend to tell awfull jokes untill she is released again into the wild.
Sara, I will maintain this relentless drivel untill you ask me to stop.
💙💙💙WIZZOO💙💙💙 -
😂😂😂😂i love ths!
Im on morphine til tmoro. Gota admit, this shit hrrtts.
But yur jokes ar grate med! -
A math teacher and his wife were both 54 years old. One evening the wife came home and found a note from her husband. It said: ''My dear, you are 54 years old and there are some things you are not giving me, so I am at the Holiday Inn with my 18-year-old student. Don't bother waiting up for me.''
He returns home that night to find a note from his wife: ''You are also 54 years old and there are things I need that you're not giving me. So I am at the Motel 6 with one of your 18-year-old students and you (being a math teacher) should know that 18 goes into 54 way more than 54 goes into 18, so don't YOU wait up for ME.''
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An old man and a old woman met at an retirement home. They had been dating for quite some time now and one day the old man asks, "If I pull out my penis, would you hold it?" The women agrees and so everyday they would sit on a bench in the garden and the woman would hold the man's penis. One day the woman went to the garden early and found the man with another woman. She approached the man and asked what the other woman has that she doesn't. The man replied gleefully "Parkinsons"!
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A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, kept it a secret from her Grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the girl.
The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl became frantic.
Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her secret, the young girl said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
"Mmmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma, "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But, you're so old, how do you do it?"
Grandma replied," Oh, it's quite easy sonny, I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry." -
Why do women walk in front of men in Vietnam
Landmines
Why do women walk in front of men in France
Short skirts...
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A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to HR.
Without identifying the guy, she tells them what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him.The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice"?
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the dwarf."
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A crusty old biker, out on a long summer ride in the country , pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside. As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:
COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.
She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker. "Yes?"
She inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"
The old biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs, "Why yes, yes, I sure am."
The old biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger."
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Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road.
"I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pull the old 'out of gas' routine."
"No," said Fred, " I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine."
"The 'here after' routine... what's that?" she wanted to know.
"If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after I'm gone!" he replies.
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