Turfa's Help Forum, How-to Do Everything
Forums › Help & Strategy › Turfa's Help Forum, How-to Do Everything-
I've noticed that this help forum only ever seems to give advice and help regarding TurfWars. I personally find this way of offering and requesting assistance to be rather close-minded, so I decided to attempt to help with all those other things you probably want to know more about.
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Query: Open a can of soft drink without fingernails.
Solution: Take a butter knife from the kitchen drawer and use it to lever the metal tab up.Query: How to clean your house quickly and easily.
Solution: Hire a cleaning woman.Query: How to fix a hole in a plaster wall.
Solution: carefully layer clear, plastic tape across the hole, working downwards and letting each piece overlap a little for structural integrity. Paint with cheap spray-can paint. -
Query: How to bring up a family properly.
Solution: Don't have children.Query: Learn to speak a foreign language.
Solution: move to another country. One where you'll need to speak the lingo to get any food ... you'll pick up the talk pretty quick.Query: What to watch on television.
Solution: Close your eyes, and randomly press several buttons on the number pad of the remote. Reopen your eyes, and select the channel that you normally watch. Done 👍 -
Query: What to do about living in a budget-built home on a fault-line.
Solution: Sell the house, and move to the moon. Or England. Either one works. -
Query: What to do about graduating siblings.
Solution: Give brothers a punch on the arm, buy them a beer and afterwards, push them towards an employment agency. Give sister graduatees a smile, take their mirrors away from them, and request the keys for their chastity belt be returned in 24 hours.Query: What to do when you destroy Dad's limo whilst joyriding.
Joyride some more. Jail for boosting cars is better than jail for tax fraud, after all! -
Query: How to make money fast.
Solution: Steal a printing press from the mint.
*Disclaimer*: the press is useless without correct ink and paper...Query: Is home gas heating or electric heating cheaper?
Solution: If you don't pay the bills, who cares?
If you do pay the bills, congratulations on not being foreclosed upon by the banks 👍Query: How to become a famous actor.
Solution: Break into one of the larger banks in your local city at midnight, and dance for a couple minutes in front of the security cameras.Query: How to have a clean wardrobe.
Solution: Don't wear your clothes. These are supposed to be liberal times ... -
Query: How does Turfa manage to keep sprouting total bullocks?
Solution: He was dropped on his head 364 times before the age of 5, and of those falls only two were from below 0.5m above ground level. -
Can without fingernails. Alternate method, demonstrated on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PzQadza_vlA&feature=youtube_gdata_player
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This is a very informative thread. 👍
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This will be very important later in life.
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Thank you Turfa, your wisdom is approaching that of the great Mr BC.
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I'm glad you think so! I must check this link out lol. 👍✌
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Q: How to learn to swim?
A: jump in the deep end of the pool....
Q: How to learn to fly?
A: Watch Top Gun, sneak onto an airport and "borrow" a plane to practice...
Q: How to learn to drive?
A: Watch Top Gear, "borrow" dad's (or if his isn't cool enough a neighbour's) car, put on white racing outfit and only answer to Stig when pulled over.
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Hyena wrote:
Lol! Loved the last one 👍👍😂Q: How to learn to swim?
A: jump in the deep end of the pool....
Q: How to learn to fly?
A: Watch Top Gun, sneak onto an airport and "borrow" a plane to practice...
Q: How to learn to drive?
A: Watch Top Gear, "borrow" dad's (or if his isn't cool enough a neighbour's) car, put on white racing outfit and only answer to Stig when pulled over.
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Query: How to prevent your head from exploding.
Solution: Don't strap C4 to your hat.Query: How to prevent yourself from falling asleep whilst driving?
Solution a.) Sleep in your bed.
Solution b.) Smack yourself in the face regularly whilst driving.
Solution c.) Place several thumb tacks on the seat before sitting down to drive.Query: How to change a lightbulb easily.
Solution: Hit the bulb with a hammer. I swear to you, that bulb will change ... drastically. -
Q: how to get laid?
A: Go up to the hottest chick in the club, grab her and with out a word stIck your tongue down her throat whilst grabbing her arse. Either she will now follow you where ever you go (unlikely) or her boyfriend and / or the bouncers will have you laid out on the ground pretty fast....
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Q: how to potty train a toddler?
A: just swear around the child they will have a potty mouth before you know it.
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Problem: can't win (sports, games...)
Solution: cheat
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Problem: people keep attacking me, like 3-4 times in a row!! And they're in my mob! And when i plant that lovely colourful circle with lots of loot, somebody comes and takes it!
Solution: Fcuk off and download Monster Kingdom.
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Problem: life generally is hard, working long days to pay mortgage, raise kids, pay bills, etc....
Solution: get a reality check, you have your health, job, family, roof over head, food etc.... There are many at the moment who are missing many of these things completely.
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TURFA! HYENA! HELP! I don't no how to beat up Chuck Norris. I need advice on how to do it. Try and solve this😉
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BAT SMURF wrote:
Old age, once your dead he cant hit you back. Just haunt his arse and throw stuff at him 24/7TURFA! HYENA! HELP! I don't no how to beat up Chuck Norris. I need advice on how to do it. Try and solve this😉
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YOU wrote:
You'reBAT SMURF wrote:
Old age, once your dead he cant hit you back. Just haunt his arse and throw stuff at him 24/7TURFA! HYENA! HELP! I don't no how to beat up Chuck Norris. I need advice on how to do it. Try and solve this😉
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Dafurq did I jist read?? 😳😳😳
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Pr3zzy wrote:
Precisely my thoughts! 😳😳😳Dafurq did I jist read?? 😳😳😳
FYI, Turfa posted this thread, not me. I must give him credit for creativity though! Perhaps I shall attempt to continue the thread in his stead 😏
♠Turrrfa™😉
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U rock man
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I love this thread... And the bit about Top Gear...
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I use my teeth to open cans
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Query: How to change a lightbulb easily.
Solution: Hit the bulb with a hammer. I swear to you, that bulb will change ... drastically.That made me piss
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♠Aⅅⅅ ϮuƦƑ₳♠ wrote:
Pr3zzy wrote:
Precisely my thoughts! 😳😳😳Dafurq did I jist read?? 😳😳😳
FYI, Turfa posted this thread, not me. I must give him credit for creativity though! Perhaps I shall attempt to continue the thread in his stead 😏
♠Turrrfa™😉
What do you meen turfa posted this thread not you?😨
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Query: What is the most effective way to deal with cockroaches?
Solution: I've found that regular shaving of the pubic region and washing twice a day with anti-cockroach spray generally works extremely well.Query: My father has taken my xbox remote and told me I can't have it back until I learn to be more self reliant.
Solution: Assuming you know where he keeps his car keys, borrow his BMW next time him and mum are hiding in the bedroom together, drive to the nearest supermarket or game store and, using his new keycard with the PIN-free swipe, buy yourself a new remote. If he has an issue with this, politely inform him that he needn't worry as not only can he keep the old remote, you have also learned the self-reliance lesson he was trying to teach you.
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