☠️ UNION PLAYER RATINGS ☠️

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‎✠𐤠𐌃𐌃⤷𐤠𐌊𐌉𐌋𐤠✠ 4 hours ago

☠️ UNION PLAYER RATINGS ☠️
Extensive scouting. Zero bias. Appeals ignored.

BASS — 62 OVR
Whines about loot, quits, requires approved teammates. Plays like a 62, carries himself like a 99. Ego: 100.

WASTED — 64 OVR
Actually cool. Commitment varies

KILGORE — 38 OVR
We waited to be impressed. We’re still waiting.

ZOOM — 53 OVR
Message Aggression: 99. War Aggression: 34. Disappears when frustrated, tries an alt. Skill issue follows him.

DUIR — 79 OVR
Fast healer, annoyingly hard to keep down. Joins vendettas. Always very proud of himself.

CHAPLAIN — 45 OVR
Provides spiritual services to team immediately following ass beating.

OSU — 56 OVR
Pick-me division. Delivers “Facts” confidently while remaining impressively gullible. Fact Checking: 12.

WULFIE — 42 OVR
Suspiciously innocent. We don’t trust it.
Pretty chill.

DEBERG — 23 OVR
Here to troll, not cap. Can’t keep up with his own storyline. Drama: 98. Damage: 2.

WIZARD — ALT
That’s an alt. Next.
‎✠𐤠𐌃𐌃⤷𐤠𐌊𐌉𐌋𐤠✠ 4 hours ago

DOG POUND — 38 OVR
Turns jealousy into drama, then somehow makes it everybody else’s group project. Emotional Stability: 7.

MR. D BAIC — 36 OVR
Appears at bizarre times, accomplishes nothing, disappears. Probably a deep-rooted alt.

CYRUSDAVIRUS — 62 OVR
Bored old man. Takes creative liberties with the rules, then whines anyway. Grievance Department: 100.

FUNKYHAZE — 54 OVR
Name created during an event we are advised not to reinvestigate.

RAIDER NATION — 88 OVR
Strong player. Throws tantrums. Thinks very highly of himself. Needs to be the main character✨

BONS — 65 OVR
Emotional. Requires an assigned babysitter. Supervision Required: 100.

CHUCKY — 53 OVR
Doesn’t have it like he used to. Former magician? Disappeared.

JOEY 🍩’S — 16 OVR
Definitely an alt. Screams instability. Donut gives +11 morale.

LAW773 — TBD
Scouting department currently has nothing. That may itself be the report.

CRUSHER7 — ALT
That’s an alt. Next.
‎✠𐤠𐌃𐌃⤷𐤠𐌊𐌉𐌋𐤠✠ 4 hours ago

AQUAMAN — 97 OVR
Excellent fatty. Relentless. Unfortunately sentenced to carrying a shit team.

VINCE VEGA — ?? OVR
Who is this? No, genuinely. Who the f*ck is Vince Vega?

VLAD — 79 OVR
Surprisingly one of the few who stuck it out. Not as fun as he used to be, but still shows up for V’s. Reluctant respect awarded.

MOOSKILL — 38 OVR
You did what? No further questions.

SINAKILL — 31 OVR
Killed CAPO/LEX more effectively than the opposition. Leadership: 4. Organizational Damage: 100.

CROWLEY — 24 OVR
Starts shit. Disappears.
Accountability: AWAY.

NATAS — 45 OVR
Selfish player. Useless without the alt collection. Alt Dependency: 100
Strength in numbers?
Solo Performance: 12.

LIMITLESS — 46 OVR
Surprisingly not limitless. Performance declined significantly without large mob.

DREAMSMASHER — 47 OVR
He’s here.

DELBOY — 21 OVR
Plays like an alt. Terrible fatty.

MURDERONE — 37 OVR
Currently getting murdered. Throws tantrums and would rather tear than fight. Name not holding up well.
‎✠𐤠𐌃𐌃⤷𐤠𐌊𐌉𐌋𐤠✠ 4 hours ago

SICARIUS — 15 OVR
Doesn’t really do anything. Good V starter, though. Every organization needs support staff.

FLEX NATION — ALT
That’s an alt.

THE ENGLISH — 66 OVR
A proper fellow. Scouting report respectfully submitted before tea. ☕

WHOD@ — ALT-ish
Who dat? Exactly. Giving main character vibes now.

LOSER — 11 OVR
Self explanatory. We appreciate players who submit their own scouting reports.

GORDI — 57 OVR
Would rather tear than get capped. Specializes in capping hop trails and baloney turf of people who can’t cap back. Very brave under the right circumstances. 😂

YINZER — 43 OVR
Wishy-washy. Causes conflict, then points fingers like he just arrived and has no idea what happened.

B4MBAM — 58 OVR
Sounds like a Flintstones character. Started off solid.

CEO —pending OVR
Self proclaimed best Ranger in the game? Impressive resume headline. Confidence: 100. Verification: Pending.

DAWG — TBD
Scouting file currently empty.

FLASH — TBD
Awaiting evidence that he is, in fact, fast.
‎✠𐤠𐌃𐌃⤷𐤠𐌊𐌉𐌋𐤠✠ 4 hours ago

LIVINIT — TBD
Not merely living. Livinit. Scouts require more information.

ZEROMERCY — ALT
Goofy alt. Doesn’t qualify for a full evaluation.

VROOM — ALT
That’s an alt. At least it makes car noises.

OV CANOBI — ALT
That’s an alt. No further evaluations needed.

STOOP — 11 OVR
Snoop’s slower cousin. Terrible Ranger. Emotional. Reaction Time: Eventually.

LOL — ALT
That’s an alt. lol.

MR. ROBOT — 13 OVR
Plays primarily for the press conferences instead of the turf. Needs to have all the answers while knowing remarkably little. Talking: 100. Capping: Please hold.
‎✠𐤠𐌃𐌃⤷𐤠𐌊𐌉𐌋𐤠✠ 4 hours ago

🏆 OFFICIAL SCOUTING AWARDS 🏆
BEST OVERALL — AQUAMAN
Relentless. Tragically burdened by team.
FASTEST HEALER — DUIR
Pretty good, not the best.
DRAMA CHAMPION — DEBERG
MOST CONFIDENT WITHOUT SUPPORTING DOCUMENTATION — BASS
Ego remains undefeated.
ORGANIZATIONAL DAMAGE AWARD — SINAKILL
Why destroy the enemy when you can destroy your own organization?
BEST DISAPPEARING ACT — CHUCKY
Former occupation: apparently magician.
MOST LIKELY TO START SHIT & LEAVE — CROWLEY
Accountability: Away.
BABYSITTER REQUIRED — BONS
Adult supervision strongly recommended.
MOST ACCURATE USERNAME — LOSER
We appreciate the self-evaluation.

FINAL RESULT:
Strong personalities. Questionable leadership.
Overall roster quality remains under review due to disappearing acts, tantrums, tearing, and several players whose primary contribution appears to be emotional.

Complaints may be submitted directly to the head of our scouting department, Greedo, where they will be carefully reviewed and immediately disregarded by Poseidon.
Thank you🫶
☣Alexander☣ 3 hours ago

As someone who has lurked around here for quite a few years i recognize a lot of these names. I'll be the first to admit they're all much better at the game than i am, but this is hilarious.

(Not Joey🍩s classed as an alt! Whose? We used to be in a syndicate in GS. 😅)
🍄 ＡＰＯＰＨＩＳ ⚔️ 2 hours ago

Fucking spot on. These are the accounts who thought they ran the game. Turns out, you’re fungals bitch. Do something about it