Thought you might like to hear a story
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A man wakes up in a dingy slum, with no memory of how he got here. He wanders around helplessly for a while until he finds somebody who will talk to him. Finally, a filthy beggar turns out to be nice enough to explain where he is.
"You're in the afterlife!" he tells the man, "but you must've been a right twat when you were alive because this is the fourth ring and only the worst people come here."
Suddenly a siren goes off, one of those WW2 air raid things. The man is terrified but the beggar calmly gets up and leads him to a big, dilapidated warehouse where thousands of other similarly unkempt souls were gathering. When the man asks why they're all here, the beggar points to a line of folding tables against the wall. On the tables are mouldy bread, cups of dirty water and bowls of broth so thin it could've just been more dirty water. Only then does the man realise how hungry he is. A guard wearing heavy body armour blows a whistle and everybody arranges themselves into three lines.
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The beggar is helpful enough to explain to the man.
"That line is the bread line, that's the broth line and that's the water line. All the food here is free but if you want to get out of this maggot hole you've got to work because the gate guards into the third ring ask five hundred dollars to get through. I've heard the food is better there." -
So the man gets his food. It's terrible and right then and there he vows to make five hundred dollars and get into the third ring. Unfortunately for him, very few people need work done in the afterlife, especially in the fourth ring where everybody is trying to save up and emigrate. Still, after ten years of hard work, eating mouldy bread and horrible water and broth, he manages to save the money. The guards take his money and show him through the gates and he finds himself in the third ring. It's not fancy, in fact it's still below average for a real city but to his eyes it looks like true paradise. The guards all look friendlier and the buildings and houses, while not spacious or lavish, are at least up to code. Then, to his surprise, he runs into the familiar face of his beggar friend as he crosses the street.
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"What are the odds?" They ask each other, and they get to chatting. The beggar, as it turns out, had only managed to make it there a few months earlier. Their conversation is soon interrupted by what sounds like a school bell. When the man seems confused, the beggar leads him to what looks like a gigantic gymnasium. Here, people are gathering once again and the man begins to understand. On a line of folding tables along one wall are stacks of hot dogs, bowls of salad and cups full of fresh lemonade. A policeman shouts for everybody's attention and directs them to form three lines. The beggar smiles at the man's wonder and points to each line in turn. "That's the hot dog line, that's the salad line and that's the lemonade line." So the man gets himself into each line in turn and gets himself his lunch.
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While he's eating, basking in joy at not being stuck with horrible bread and water, the beggar exclaims,
"The best part is, they change the menu halfway through the year, they switch from hotdogs, salad and lemonade to chicken, chili and hot chocolate! You can never get tired of it!"Sadly though, that proved not to be true. After only a few weeks, then man did indeed get tired of the same meal every day. But he knew from experience that he could change his lot, so one day he approached the guardhouse at the wall of the second ring. The guards told him he would need ten thousand dollars to enter. Well, the man didn't like it but he figured he had eternity ahead of him so he began working and saving. Besides, after ten long years of hard work, it wasn't hard to maintain a good work ethic and just twenty years later, he again approached the guards at the second circle with the money in hand. Passing through the gates, he found himself in a clean, glittering city of steel and glass.
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As he wandered around in awe, who did he stumble across but his friend the beggar! But now, the beggar was dressed in a well-fitted suit. They greeted one another as old friends and began chatting. Soon, their conversation was interrupted by what sounded like beautiful church bells.
"Come." The beggar told him. "I'll show you to the evening meal."
Together they made their way to a glittering ballroom staffed by beautiful attendees. Even the police there looked excellent, dressed in suits and wearing dark glasses they looked more like upperclass bodyguards.
Sure enough, piled onto platters on huge, mahogany tables at the far end of the ballroom were plates of steak, bouls of beautiful seafood soup and glasses of champagne.
A bodyguard loudly cleared his throat and politely asked all the people to for three lines.
As they lined up, the beggar pointed out each line,
"That's the steak line, that's the soup line and that's the champagne line." Then he added, "and they change the menu here FOUR times a year!" -
The man rejoiced, ate and was happy and, for once felt that nothing was lacking. Four changes a year was enough for him. Then one day, more out of curiosity than anything, he approached the gatehouse guards to the final ring of the afterlife and found that they were asking for a million dollars to pass. He was a bit disturbed by this, after all, the third ring seemed perfect to him.
"What is it," he thought to himself, "that could possibly be more wonderful than what I have here?"
That question haunted him for weeks until he came to a conclusion. He was used to working hard and he had all of eternity to save up so he decided to keep going and see for himself just what the first circle could possibly have that was so great. -
Fifty years later, after working hard during the day and enjoying the beautiful city by night, he finally had a million dollars. The guards to the first ring silently took his money and allowed him to pass by. As he entered, he was so amazed by the glorious architecture that he fell to his knees in wonderment. The bodyguards here were shining angels and the buildings were beautiful and other-worldly beyond belief.
To his surprise, somebody helped him to his feet and when he looked, it was his old friend the beggar from the fourth ring. Only now, the beggar was adorned in a golden robe and glowing and when the man looked down at himself, he realised he looked much the same. -
The beggar laughed jovially. "I only got here three years ago myself but somehow, I knew you wouldn't be too far behind. I've come back to this gate every day, waiting for you to arrive!"
Suddenly, the air was filled with the glorious sound of angelic trumpets and the beggar began to lead the man towards a magnificent palace of gold and crystal. They entered a truly enormous room, the far end of which they could barely see. Tens of thousands of radiant citizens were assembling as angels prepared everything for their meal.
Rows of enormous, glimmering altars around the walls spilled over with glistening, golden dragon meat, puddings refined from clouds, dew and silk and a gorgeous fountain in the middle of the hall poured out ice-cold ambrosia and nectar to be ladled into blindingly beautiful crystalline chalices.
An angel appeared above the assembled masses and bowed silently to them. Everybody bowed silently back and began to form into lines of their own accord. -
Smiling at the tradition, the beggar pointed to the first line.
"That's the line for the dragon meat," he said before turning to the second line, "and that's the line for the angelic pudding."
Then he paused, confused."What is it?" The man asked him.
The beggar replied,
"There appears to be no punchline." -
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
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Was worth the read. 🍻
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🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼
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Nicely done. 👍
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Dammit.
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I found another one last night, it was probably four times the length of this one. I'm an above average reader and it quite literally took me 30 minutes to read. I won't post it here, not now that we're limited to 2 posts per 3 minutes (when the fuck did THAT come into action?). Anyway, it was a good story but also had no punchline.
Anyway, I might pop another joke in now and then. There's 2x baby Turfas in the world now and I'm pretty sure Mrs Turfa sighed in relief when the TW app lost its position on my phone a couple of years ago 😜
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Turfa you sumbitch! I love you! 😂🤣
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