To: parents of blended families
Forums › General Discussion › To: parents of blended families-
Any advice? I know my kid likes my fiancé, even tells him that he loves him sometimes, but my fiancé doesn't feel like that's the case. Sometimes my son kinda ignores him when he's talking to him or just doesnt act very warm toward him. My fiancé doesn't feel like he is any kind of influence in his life, like it wouldn't matter to my son whether he was around or not. My son is only 5, so he doesn't necessarily have the same complex feelings as adults or realize that his actions might really hurt someone's feelings. I've set up babysitting situations a few times so they could spend one on one time together, but I'm not sure how productive and "bondy" that time goes.. This situation is still somewhat new to all 3 of us. My fiancé is the first person I've dated since his father who I've even introduced to my son. They've known each other for about a year. My son is excited to be in the wedding & I think he understands that this man isn't going anywhere & plans on being around forever...
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Have any of you been in this situation or have any words of wisdom?
It's the fiancé's birthday today & I'm cooking dinner right now, so I might not be back to check the thread for a while. Thanks in advance.
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I think it's going to take time and effort to build a meaningful relationship. I never had much to do with either of my step parents and that was fine with me. I was also much older when mom met someone. Dads wife is just.. Eh.. I don't care if she thinks of me as a son or not. Good luck!
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A lot of what you describe can be chalked up to 'kids being kids'. I think the fact your partner has concerns over it only goes to solidify his commitment to you and your son. As above, meaningful relationships are forged over time and as your son observes the loving relationship between the two of you, he's likely to respond quite positively. Other factors may play into it... For example: How much time your son spends with his paternal father, what he's told while with him...
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Roger that is right. It will in time. 5 is a tough age for this. I was 6-7 when my mother started seeing a guy. I didn't care for him at all. They dated for a few years and I never got close to him. That same man has been my boss for the last 11 years. And I respect the hell out of him.
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Time will tell, there's complex feelings there that a kid of his age just doesn't understand. I would advise your fiancé to spend lots of time with him to strengthen the bond, but other than that good luck!
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Tiiiiiiime. He needs to see you and your fiancé together as parents as well. I realize you may already be living together, but kids can be cut and dried...they need big road signs that say, "I'm staying." Marriage kinda does that for them (my oldest co-officiated...it was redonkulous). Not just that, but he needs to see you parenting him together. My oldest would scoot around the perimeter of the room to avoid hubby the 2nd until he realized we were making decisions about/with him together. School, discipline, how to arrange his room (that actually made big points). And in no time he wanted to be firmly parked on hubby's lap. New little brother? He probably didn't bargain for that but lil bro is the person he asks for the most now. Sun rises and sets on lil bro.
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Tell him not to stress, my kid's 5 and she ignores me at times. But she also loves me. Just kids being kids.
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My mother married my step father right after I turned 5. We never got along, mental and physical abuse.
I know this may sound stupid, but for the next few years, any punishment (spanking, grounding, whatever your choices are) handle them yourself. Don't let your fiancé punish your child until they get a better relationship, a few years down the road. It could lead to outright resentment and acting out. That is from personal experience. Let me know if I didn't make sense. -
Roger That wrote:
Yeah, I agree. I was 5 when my dad remarried and 6 when my mom did. My stepmom put in the time and effort and we've always been very close while my stepdad and I have always been standoffish toward each other and have never had a close relationship. I think he said "I love you" to me for the first time last year on my birthday. It has always been VERY apparent that my 3 siblings who were biologically his and then me were treated very differently.I think it's going to take time and effort to build a meaningful relationship. I never had much to do with either of my step parents and that was fine with me. I was also much older when mom met someone. Dads wife is just.. Eh.. I don't care if she thinks of me as a son or not. Good luck!
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I told my fiancé, you're going to have to put in the facetime. Kids don't warm up to just anyone. They get close to people who play with them and show them affection & attention.
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Bella, I married my wife when her daughter was 8. The only thing that matters is time and your future hubby's willingness to be involved in the kidlet's life and interests. Out of my daughter's (she has almost never been referred to as my step daughter) parents she will be the first to admit I was the only one that never missed a basketball game, I coached her softball team for 8 years and tried to share interests with her (who knew a 10 year old girl would like scale model trains!!!). As long as your hubby gets involved and stays involved it will all come around, it just takes time and effort like anything else in life that is worthwhile.
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Cant say that i find myself in THE Same situation , but looking at my brother, and THE way his daughter acts towards his new fiance, she loves her to death. I was really amazed on how fast his little girl clInged to his new gf. Also, THE fact that his gf is now pregnant only seems to be boosting THE love she has for her. Keeping in mind that his little girl is now 8, she doesnt seem to give à rats poophole about THE Guy her mom married. And from what im reading, it seems like THE stephdads are treated like: oh well, hes around, who cares?
Kids can be harsh at time remember? And as stated above Bella, its going to need time aswell. -
Have him take the kid to Chuck E Cheese. And overtime they will eventually build bonds. By the way, you are probably the coolest mom on earth for playing TW.
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First off he needs to stop having feelings about it that involve the word me. A 5 year old doesn't have the same capacity in social situations as your fiancé. He needs to remember its all about him. And to get on his level. He has to earn that relationship with your son, not just expect it. Also, your kid can smell fear a mile away. No fear and a bit of confidence can go a long way when dealing with kids.
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⚜Ꮶ͜иιɢн͡т⚜ wrote:
Yeah, he spends 50% of the time with his (biological) dad. I tried to explain to him a while back in a dumbed down, kid friendly way that "R" will be his stepdad & "P" will still be his dad & he will still see him all the time & he'll get to have 3 parents. I don't think he's quite ready to accept/call him a "parent", but he does consider "R" to be his family.A lot of what you describe can be chalked up to 'kids being kids'. I think the fact your partner has concerns over it only goes to solidify his commitment to you and your son. As above, meaningful relationships are forged over time and as your son observes the loving relationship between the two of you, he's likely to respond quite positively. Other factors may play into it... For example: How much time your son spends with his paternal father, what he's told while with him...
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mdpaulk wrote:
That makes absolute sense. We've had the talk and issues with discipline. I felt he was kind of hard & impatient with him at times and wanted to handle all discipline myself, but I think maybe it was just hard to see someone else tell my kid what to do. Sometimes it even bothers me when my parents get on him about stuff. I talked to my ex (the father) about it to see if he thought my feelings were valid or if I was overreacting & even he basically said that I needed to suck it up & get used to it because R is going to also be a parent to him. By the way, my ex & my fiancé get along.My mother married my step father right after I turned 5. We never got along, mental and physical abuse.
I know this may sound stupid, but for the next few years, any punishment (spanking, grounding, whatever your choices are) handle.... -
mdpaulk wrote:
You have a good point though. In my personal experience, my stepfather was scared to discipline me and always made my mom do it. He wouldn't even tell me to clean my room, he made my mom do it. I think we would have been closer if sometime in the 12 years I lived under his roof, he had told me what to do, like I was his child. I probably would have also had more respect for him. But yes, you're right, the first few years are more sensitive & probably a bit of trial & error.I know this may sound stupid, but for the next few years, any punishment (spanking, grounding, whatever your choices are) handle them yourself. Don't let your fiancé punish your child until they get a better relationship, a few years down the road. It could lead to outright resentment and acting out. That is from personal experience. Let me know if I didn't make sense.
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Notice she deleted da I'm a dipshit post. I'm correct and she knows it. Further her evasion is comical at best. Again. Define ' Blended' or is dat just some bull shit California politely politically correct crap for a none issue that no one else in the country can understand becuz Ur BS doesn't mean the same elsewhere. Just cuz U think it does.
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Anyway, thanks for all the input & the couple PMs. You guys are great to bounce stuff off of.
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℣ï₭ї₦Ǥ👹 wrote:
You are genuinely the saddest person I have ever had the misfortune to come across. 😔Notice she deleted da I'm a dipshit post. I'm correct and she knows it. Further her evasion is comical at best. Again. Define ' Blended' or is dat just some bull shit California politely politically correct crap for a none issue that no one else in the country can understand becuz Ur BS doesn't mean the same elsewhere. Just cuz U think it does.
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℣ï₭ї₦Ǥ👹 wrote:
I didn't delete it. Dipshit. "Blended family" refers to a family that may include step parent(s), and step or half siblings due to new marriages. The Brady Bunch was a blended family, but sometimes we forget that because Jan never referred to Mike as her stepdad and we never heard anything about Mike & Carol's exes.Notice she deleted da I'm a dipshit post. I'm correct and she knows it. Further her evasion is comical at best. Again. Define ' Blended' or is dat just some bull shit California politely politically correct crap for a none issue that no one else in the country can understand becuz Ur BS doesn't mean the same elsewhere. Just cuz U think it does.
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You were thinking of "biracial family".
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don't pressure your son to call the guy Dad or say that he loves him.
Also the previously mentioned discipline issues- it's a difficult balance, but the guy has to have enough authority to tell him off if he's misbehaving, but not so much that your son resents him. between the three of you, decide on house rules and boundaries that you will all stick to, so that it's predetermined.
Good luck! -
I was in a weird kind of this so I pm'd ya
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we create our own families and communities. we don't just choose them but they happen to us. I'm sure it was a weird transition when my mom remarried and I was 5, but it turned out my stepdad and I had the closest bond of all my parents throughout my childhood. so there's that.
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ℬeƖƖɑIƗɑƖiɑɳɑ wrote:
I'm thinking, "I'm glad Bella's not marrying a spook."You were thinking of "biracial family".
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