Time for JOKES!😃
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Two old men were fishing off a bridge as they had done daily for many years. Suddenly a funeral procession came down the road.
The one old man reeled in his line, lain down his pole, faced the street and bowed his head until the procession had passed. He then picked up his pole and started fishing again.
The other fisherman was amazed and stated "I didn't know you were that religious."
The other looked at him and said "Least I could do, we've been married 42 years!"
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On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
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☁ᎦkyᎢнєᏝiмiт☁ wrote:
😂😂😂On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
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Q: how many NRA representatives does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: more guns. -
🇬🇧Heres one for my British Turfers enjoy😉 🇬🇧
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An 83 year old British gentleman arrived in Paris by plane.As he was fumbling in his bag for his passport.A stern French lady asked him if he had been to france before.He admitted he indeed had been previously.The lady sarcastically said "you should know to have your passport out and waiting sir".The gentleman said "i didn't have to show it last time". "Impossible! "The woman said ,"you British have always had to show your passport to get through here." The man responded by whispering
"well ,when i came ashore on the beach on D-Day on 1944 I couldn't find any fucking Frenchmen to show it to!" -
☁ᎦkyᎢнєᏝiмiт☁ wrote:
😂😂😂😂On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
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There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.
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This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...
He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"
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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she says.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
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"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself in a chair beside him.
The husband continues."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she says.He wipes another tear from his cheek and says."I would have gotten out today!"
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sadsam wrote:
😂😂😂😂This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...
He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"
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A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"
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sadsam wrote:
💋😂💋😂💋😂A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"
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💀༄्ཧ़ཀंེབ།༨ཛყ༄💀 wrote:
🇬🇧Heres one for my British Turfers enjoy😉 🇬🇧
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An 83 year old British gentleman arrived in Paris by plane.As he was fumbling in his bag for his passport.A stern French lady asked him if he had been to france before.He admitted he indeed had been previously.The lady sarcastically said "you should know to have your passport out and waiting sir".The gentleman said "i didn't have to show it last time". "Impossible! "The woman said ,"you British have always had to show your passport to get through here." The man responded by whispering
"well ,when i came ashore on the beach on D-Day on 1944 I couldn't find any fucking Frenchmen to show it to!"😂😂😂😂
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How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
None
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How many republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?None. They all blame Obama for it being dark.
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If a tree falls on a women in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?The better question is, what's a Forest doing in a kitchen?
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I went to the waiting room once just to wait. The nurse came out and asked "How can I help you?"
I asked "What type of doctor works here"
She answered "A foot doctor"
I said "I'd like to see a man that small.
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A cat got ran over in front of my house today. I was very upset because it was on my porch at the timeSo anyways, I wanted to do the right thing and burry it but my wife wanted to see if it would actually die first.
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Three little old women are sitting on a park bench when a man in a trench coat walks up and flashes them.
Shocked, the first little old lady has a stroke.
Troubled that her friend just had a stroke, The next little old lady says "oh my," and has a stroke also.
The third little old lady, being the most feeble of the three reaches up with both hands but can't quite reach to have a stroke as well.
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💀༄्ཧ़ཀंེབ།༨ཛყ༄💀 wrote:
Strong work 😂😂😂😂🇬🇧Heres one for my British Turfers enjoy😉 🇬🇧
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An 83 year old British gentleman arrived in Paris by plane.As he was fumbling in his bag for his passport.A stern French lady asked him if he had been to france before.He admitted he indeed had been previously.The lady sarcastically said "you should know to have your passport out and waiting sir".The gentleman said "i didn't have to show it last time". "Impossible! "The woman said ,"you British have always had to show your passport to get through here." The man responded by whispering
"well ,when i came ashore on the beach on D-Day on 1944 I couldn't find any fucking Frenchmen to show it to!" -
🏃꓄rձυꍌ٤ɼلఠꍌꍌ٤ɼ wrote:
Is this suppose to be funny?Q: how many NRA representatives does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: more guns. -
💀༄्ཧ़ཀंེབ།༨ཛყ༄💀 wrote:
I see you read Ifunny as well.🇬🇧Heres one for my British Turfers enjoy😉 🇬🇧
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An 83 year old British gentleman arrived in Paris by plane.As he was fumbling in his bag for his passport.A stern French lady asked him if he had been to france before.He admitted he indeed had been previously.The lady sarcastically said "you should know to have your passport out and waiting sir".The gentleman said "i didn't have to show it last time". "Impossible! "The woman said ,"you British have always had to show your passport to get through here." The man responded by whispering
"well ,when i came ashore on the beach on D-Day on 1944 I couldn't find any fucking Frenchmen to show it to!" -
THΞ RΛINMΛKΞR wrote:
🏃꓄rձυꍌ٤ɼلఠꍌꍌ٤ɼ wrote:
Is this suppose to be funny?Q: how many NRA representatives does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: more guns."This is an advertisement sponsored by the National Rifle Association, bringing you your constitutional rights by the gun load!"
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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath."Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:Are - my - test - results - back?"
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LMFAO.
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Anyone got any more jokes!
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"First," said the playboy,"I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a bit loose. "Oh no you're not," said the girl. "Then I'll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks. "Oh no you're not. "Then I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks. "Oh no you're not. "Then I'm going to make violent, passionate love to you. "Oh no you're not. "And I'm not going to wear a condom either! " said the guy. "Oh yes you are! " said the girl."
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At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate... : At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth. " Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth. " His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father. " Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth. " The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother. " Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth. " The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real father a big hug. "
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A hillbilly was walking back from a lake with a bucket of fish when he was stopped by a Game Warden who asked to see his fishing license.
The hillbilly said "I don't need no fishing license, these here is my pet fish. Once a week I take em down to tha lake and let them swim around for about an hour. Then I whistle and they all swim back into my net and I put them back in the bucket and take em home".
The warden says "I don't believe you."
The hillbilly says "Here, I'll prove it." and dumps the fish into the lake.
The warden says "Now call them back."
"Call who back?" asked the hillbilly.
"The fish!" replied the warden.
"What fish?" -
Icy Guy wrote:
Lol!A hillbilly was walking back from a lake with a bucket of fish when he was stopped by a Game Warden who asked to see his fishing license.
The hillbilly said "I don't need no fishing license, these here is my pet fish. Once a week I take em down to tha lake and let them swim around for about an hour. Then I whistle and they all swim back into my net and I put them back in the bucket and take em home".
The warden says "I don't believe you."
The hillbilly says "Here, I'll prove it." and dumps the fish into the lake.
The warden says "Now call them back."
"Call who back?" asked the hillbilly.
"The fish!" replied the warden.
"What fish?" -
Icy Guy wrote:
I told that one to a game warden once. He liked it.A hillbilly was walking back from a lake with a bucket of fish when he was stopped by a Game Warden who asked to see his fishing license.
The hillbilly said "I don't need no fishing license, these here is my pet fish. Once a week I take em down to tha lake and let them swim around for about an hour. Then I whistle and they all swim back into my net and I put them back in the bucket and take em home".
The warden says "I don't believe you."
The hillbilly says "Here, I'll prove it." and dumps the fish into the lake.
The warden says "Now call them back."
"Call who back?" asked the hillbilly.
"The fish!" replied the warden.
"What fish?" -
Three men were standing side-by-side using the urinal.
The first man finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands ... clear up to his elbows ... He used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented: "I graduated from Harvard and they taught us to be clean."
The second man finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented: "I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."
The third man zipped up and as he was walking out the door he had a smirk on his face and said: "I don't know about you guys, but where I went to college, they taught us not to piss on our hands."
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A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar. He turned to the astonished patrons and said, 'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the 'gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.' The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The 'gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head.
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The 'gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up at the end of the bar and a woman timidly spoke up.
'I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle.'
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