I WANT YOU

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E=MC(Hammer) Dec 3, 2012

To give me your honest opinion on this short little doo-dad I wrote. I think I'm a pretty good writer, and I just want some feedback.

I looked into your soul, a stained glass window of opaque tranquility. I came out unscathed, yet scarred not unlike Othello of old. As I grasped your heart, your mind, your very essence, a sound reaches my ears. A sound of everlasting contentedness, of a minute angel's cry, like nothing ever produced before. It's your acceptance, the writ of passage that I needed; that which is all I ever wanted. I knew we would be eternal, entwined like the twisting, gnarled vines in the church courtyard, sneaking up the pillars which will never end.
E=MC(Hammer) Dec 3, 2012

Your body, a beautiful satire which I used to indulge myself in, now just haunts my vision like some sacred entity, beholding yet not believing the outstanding mortality of our nature. This body which I used to own now is my infinite myriad of inconsequential failures, fastened yet untamed by the reasons bestowed by life and liberty. Now, as I look unto you for the last time and realize that this is the only moment in life I regret, I take my last breath and utter the words 'forgive me'. Then you are gone, taken from me like the ambitions I never had, given to some other bleeding, broken heart unworthy. You pushed me to the edge of this almighty precipice; trying to resist was all it took to end it.
༎།SཛཀᎢཇΧ།༎ Dec 3, 2012

It's very nice. 👏...My girlfriend's great-great-grandfather was William Faulkner...She might like to read this.
E=MC(Hammer) Dec 3, 2012

༎།SཛཀᎢཇΧ།༎ wrote:
It's very nice. 👏...My girlfriend's great-great-grandfather was William Faulkner...She might like to read this.

Thank you. Wow, that's awesome! Yeah, IMO literature was infinitely better back in those days in contrast with today.
Tweek Dec 3, 2012

It's not very good.

Technically, there are quite a few errors. You jump tenses all over the place.

Another thing to note is just because your writing is filled with adjectives, that does not make it good. Use them as needed; not every noun needs 2-3 adjectives.
sofresh Dec 3, 2012

Tweek wrote:
It's not very good.

Technically, there are quite a few errors. You jump tenses all over the place.

Another thing to note is just because your writing is filled with adjectives, that does not make it good. Use them as needed; not every noun needs 2-3 adjectives.

*smack*.... The hand of truf strikes again!
🔰ℬཞüęℵǿཞ🔰 Dec 3, 2012

Your biggest mistake is your first two scentences. First, you need to draw the reader in with familiarity, and telling them the soul is a window will throw them off. The eyes are a window to the soul. Second, coming out unscathed is not something that should be there. You're "looking" into a window, not climbing through it. Third, if you're unscathed, you can't be scarred; you're contradicting yourself which is never good.

If I were grading this, those two scentences would have so many red marks you'd be pissed.
You are pretty good, but you're trying to express something, to give enough for your reader to start to feel it and imagine the rest, not tell them exactly- you need to find a balance.

Believe me or don't, hate me or thank me, but that's what I felt reading it.
༄☣βŁιnd☠Łιmιτ☣༄ Dec 3, 2012

Excellent!!!
E=MC(Hammer) Dec 3, 2012

Thanks guys. Tweek and bruenor, that's what I was looking for. But to clarify, you have to know the story of Shakespeare's Othello to understand what that sentence can mean. Though I do admit, that first sentence is pretty bad. Haha
E=MC(Hammer) Dec 3, 2012

Tweek wrote:
It's not very good.

Technically, there are quite a few errors. You jump tenses all over the place.

Another thing to note is just because your writing is filled with adjectives, that does not make it good. Use them as needed; not every noun needs 2-3 adjectives.

Although I see where you are coming from, only a couple nouns are described by two or more adjectives.
♠️ADD TURFA♠️ Dec 3, 2012

I'm sorry. It didn't make me laugh by the end of the third sentence, so I stopped reading.

P.S. RE Title Line: I WANT YOU TOO!💙💙
⚪️ Dec 3, 2012

"A good writer says what he means. A bad writer says what he thinks others want to hear."

-unknown
🔰ℬཞüęℵǿཞ🔰 Dec 3, 2012

saelo wrote:
"A good writer says what he means. A bad writer says what he thinks others want to hear."

-unknown

😜 Is this a shot at my criticism? Cause I only pointed out 2 scentences 😋
E=MC(Hammer) Dec 3, 2012

♠Ƭϋʀғä♠ wrote:
I'm sorry. It didn't make me laugh by the end of the third sentence, so I stopped reading.

P.S. RE Title Line: I WANT YOU TOO!💙💙

Oh turfa, I've been waiting so long to hear you say that! This gives extraordinary clarity to the silhouette of my future that does not go without want. Now come, let us rejoice with festivities wrought with happiness and abundant drinks of the unholy! 💙🍻
⚪️ Dec 4, 2012

🔰ℬཞüęℵǿཞ🔰 wrote:
saelo wrote:
"A good writer says what he means. A bad writer says what he thinks others want to hear."

-unknown

😜 Is this a shot at my criticism? Cause I only pointed out 2 scentences 😋
Not at all. To me it means, write authentically. Not forced, or it shows. The OP asked for feedback so it's great that you gave some.
♠️ADD TURFA♠️ Dec 4, 2012

E=MC(Hammer) wrote:
♠Ƭϋʀғä♠ wrote:
I'm sorry. It didn't make me laugh by the end of the third sentence, so I stopped reading.

P.S. RE Title Line: I WANT YOU TOO!💙💙

Oh turfa, I've been waiting so long to hear you say that! This gives extraordinary clarity to the silhouette of my future that does not go without want. Now come, let us rejoice with festivities wrought with happiness and abundant drinks of the unholy! 💙🍻
Wait, what? Unholy drinks? Those exist? Daaaang. I've been jibbed.
Here, have a beer with me dude. 🍻