The question Is not who was Jesus...

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Tweek Feb 15, 2012

The question is what was Jesus.

Few people know about the true history of Jesus. I am here to educate you all to the best of my ability. Now, there may be a mistake or two, but feel free to correct them.

The whereabouts of Virgin Mary nine months before Jesus's birth are unknown. She could have been anywhere, but likely was somewhere in the Middle Earth. It couldn't have been that far from Egypt. It's over there somewhere. Now, it is no secret that the Egyptians used to have extremely advanced technology for their time period. Many argue about how they came to possess such knowledge, but it is painfully obvious that aliens taught them. Given the high presence of aliens in that area back in the stone age, I think that it is safe to say that there were a high number of abductions, and that the Virgin Mary was one of them. Anyone who has ever been abducted by aliens knows that you don't remember shit until you get hypnotized, but Signal Froid hadn't invented it yet.
Tweek Feb 15, 2012

Well, she was abducted by aliens, where she was impregnated by them. That is where the immaculate conception came from. A few months later, Jesus was born. Some old dudes came and brought him Frankenstein, who then bit Jesus and turned him into a zombie, which gave him the power to come back from the dead, and Mir, a space station built by the aliens.

Of course, when God wrote the bible, he left out Jesus's childhood, because children zombies are a bit taboo, and frowned upon by some. Well, throughout his childhood Jesus learned how to hone his magical superpowers that were his gift at birth, due to being half alien.

With these superpowers, he did some crazy things, like making a lot of wine to get drunk off of, and curing some blind people. He even bit a dead guy and turned him into a zombie too.

To be continued...
Tweek Feb 15, 2012

Now, people began to realize that Jesus was a zombie when he went 40 days without eating or drinking anything. They started gathering against him, and soon enough they captured him. Back then, they didn't know how to kill zombies, because they were not familiar with them like we are now. So, they crucified him like they would any normal person. Of course, Jesus yelled out some stuff for dramatic effect, and then immediately kicked the bucket, however, he was just acting.

The people should have known that, because people don't die that quickly from crucifixion, but Jesus was a good actor. They didn't want his dead body stinking up the place, so they tossed him in a cave. When nobody was looking, Jesus snuck out of the cave, and flew off in Mir to outer space and moved to another planet. He did this because back then, Neanderthals had smaller brains than we do now, and they also had thicker skulls, making it quite a challenge for Jesus to eat their brains.

That is the true story of Jesus.
Hyena Feb 15, 2012

Lol
Add: OLSEN Feb 15, 2012

Hahhahaha I like it.
Jeff 🍆 Newton Feb 15, 2012

I can't wait until done bet religious person feeds the troll
Jeff 🍆 Newton Feb 15, 2012

Some*
★COVΛH★ Feb 15, 2012

I'm a Christian - but that was pretty funny, regardless. All in good fun.
Tweek Feb 15, 2012

Jeff 🍆 Newton wrote:
I can't wait until done bet religious person feeds the troll

Troll? I'm no troll.
ᏟᏞᏫNᎬ Feb 15, 2012

Middle Earth???
Oh my god...
Jesus was a hobbit!!!

THEY'RE TAKING THE DISCIPLES TO ISENGARD!!!!
✭J⌖и Λl͟l͟e͞и✭ Feb 15, 2012

H@VOC (add HAV) wrote:
I'm a Christian - but that was pretty funny, regardless. All in good fun.

It was pretty clever. Tweek, I would've added something about him swearing to come back and that it's soon cause our skulls are much thinner and our brains are tempting him. Regardless, good job!
Darthscion Feb 16, 2012

Haha nice I'm morman. That's really funny I thought for a sec that he was serious! Haha!
Darthscion Feb 16, 2012

Samfisher wrote: haha nice I'm morman. That's really funny I thought for a sec that he was serious! Haha!

H@VOC (add HAV) wrote:
I'm a Christian - but that was pretty funny, regardless. All in good fun.

ha oops typo I ment Mormon
🔰Superyan🔰 Feb 16, 2012

⚡☀⚡Clone9786⚡☀⚡ wrote:
Middle Earth???
Oh my god...
Jesus was a hobbit!!!

THEY'RE TAKING THE DISCIPLES TO ISENGARD!!!!

Good god!
Mr. Baltimore Feb 16, 2012

I think your theology is a little messed up haha
Vadan™ v2.0 Feb 16, 2012

Absolute genius tweek. Great read.
🔫$щдмрЭуэ🔥 Feb 16, 2012

Ha lol great creativity tweek
BillyMFC👊🏽🇬🇧 Feb 16, 2012

Haha, I don't read anything but I have to admit I couldn't stop and didn't want it to Finnish lol
ᏣяλżɏVįқîиg Feb 16, 2012

Quite believable
Jєсɦт Feb 16, 2012

🔫$щдмрЭуэ🔥 wrote:
Ha lol great creativity tweek
─╤╦︻ ƦōƝɪℕ ︻╦╤─ Feb 16, 2012

U are an idiot!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
Ѵɪɴᴎγ Feb 16, 2012

That was great! Love it Tweek!